Suzanna Danna

So, I haven’t told you guys about my trip back at the end of January and the beginning of February, right? Right. Well, I do not have any photographic evidence but I will tell you several things.

I had to pay Southwest Airlines $25.00 to cover my 8 pounds over the 50 pound limit because Shrek (my suitcase) was stuffed to the gills. I do have the receipt though. What? Shrek. Yes, he’s huge and green and I am creative, shut it. I had to go to Austin for a planning meeting so I left Thursday afternoon and flew in, had the meeting Friday morning (SUCK!) then left directly after and flew into Houston.

I got checked into the Hyatt Regency Houston and LuLu came to pick me up, can I tell you guys how awesome she looks? Not to get all personal and up in her business but dayum, the woman looks HOT. (::cough:: divorce agrees with her... ::cough:: is all I’m sayin.) Note to former Mr. LuLu, go away, you are no longer welcome in my brain.

We went to Mo’s. There... as bars in Texas are wont to do... was a country band on stage and then they would take a break and the dance music would come on. I had a blast, I had my pedometer on (yes, am dork , let it go) and I actually danced over a mile and a half with a very nice gentleman and a very hot woman (she let me lead... shut up). I got to see Glo and D and meet a bunch of people. I will also say that I have found the best waitress in Texas. Her name is something very magical but she will take care of you and try her hardest to get you fucked up. Go to Mo’s, ask to be served by AllieCat or something like that and then sit back... or dance your sweaty ass off... and let her make the drink choices for you. You’ll thank me later.

And no, Glo and D.... when I called you at 2:30 am threatening to leave a booger in that guy’s car, I actually did not do so. Afterall, I am my mother’s child and she would have been horrified. (But that shit would have been funny as hell.)

Ahem.

Saturday I woke up and tried to find the cat that had shit in my mouth. Unable to do so, LuLu and I went to pick up her child for lunch, had lunch at Luby’s and then LuLu took me back downtown. I went and registered for the convention, unpacked my suitcase, planned what I was going to wear to a reception... and then out later to see Rat Ranch (BOOYEAH!) with LuLu at Sherlock’s that evening.

Side track: About, oh... I don’t know... eleventyfrillion year ago in the (motherfucking) sweet ass year of 1993 (damn that was a good year), LuLu called me in Nacogdoches. She said, (sweetly) “Get’cher ass to Houston Friday by two o’clock in the afternoon. We’re going on a road trip.” I did not ask where we were going, I did not ask what I should bring, I just threw a pair of cut offs, my bathing suit, a towel, a pair of boots and jeans, some nicer shorts, my Keds® and my toiletries in a bag and headed for Houston around noon. I got to LuLu’s parent’s house around 2:30. What? There was traffic on the tollway. LuLu and I packed up her truck and headed out to pick up her Aunt Jeannie.

Now, Jeannie was only older than LuLu and I by a few years so it wasn’t like traveling with family. It was like traveling with a rockin cool chick that was very outgoing and tiny as a button.

We hit 290 and headed to Austin. LuLu’s other Aunt Carol and their family have a lake house on Lake Travis so we had a place to stay. We got there, went for a swim and took a tour around the lake (HUGE LAKE) on the jet skis and then took our showers and got ready to go to 6th street.

We parked somewhere off of 6th and Red River and made our way down to see Arival (back when Arival was Arival and this badass - Tilman was rocking lead vocals). So we found Arival, I have the t-shirt to prove it... and we commenced to smoke, drink, dance, shout along to the songs and cheer on Tilman and his crew. It just so happened that Tilman and LuLu have known each other since Methuselah was wearing short pants. So when they took a break Tilman came over, hugs all around and he said to us, “There is another band from Houston in town tonight, they’re pretty good. Y’all wanna go across the street to see them?”

We all agreed and went across the street to the Brass Keg or something and walked in on a band that rocked Prince, Nine Inch Nails, Journey, Skid Row and everything in between. Um. We made it back to Tilman’s bar to hear their closing number. Yes, we suck. But man, the band that we were listening to were so... fucking awesome.

That band, ladies and gents, is Rat Ranch.

An aside to the side note: When Mister and I were a-courtin, he and I were talking about music one day and he goes, “When I lived in Houston in 95 or 96, over those like eight months to open that call center? There was this awesome band that played at this big lodge looking place. They covered everything from Nine Inch Nails to Blue Oyster Cult and Damn.... they were so good.” I asked him, “Was the place called ‘The Outback’?” He replied, “I think so.” I asked him, “Was the band Rat Ranch?” And handed him a cd. He was all “NO WAY!” So, yeah, that was pretty cool.

Back on track.

So, I was at the Hyatt Regency downtown Houston for a large convention. I went to a networking thingy then hauled ass back to the hotel to change so LuLu could pick me up and we could go see Rat Ranch at Sherlock’s that night. T’was awesome. The rest of the week flew by in a blur of booze, schmooze, networking, and attending sessions.

There was one other high spot.

I went to this networking thing on Monday and this band that I am very familiar with was playing, Emerald City. Since apparently I am a fan of live music (Call me Chant! I love you!) I was sitting near the stage while people swarmed around me. I went to another part of the facility to see what was going on in there and that is when I heard it. It was a voice from my past, one I hadn’t heard in a long time.

I rushed back into the room with the main stage and I looked up on stage and there he was. The old lead from Rat Ranch. His name is Mark Russell and LuLu and I used to call him Conan as that is what he looks like. All muscle-y with the voice of a rock god. He was doing Emerald City’s sound. I walked over to a man who handed me a CD and asked him.

me: Is that?.....
dude with ponytail: Ma’am?
me: Did he used to sing for Rat Ranch? [pointing at Conan on the stage.]
dude with ponytail: [big grin] Yep.
me: Oh. My. God.
dude with ponytail: [eyebrow lift]

I started texting LuLu and Mister. “I found the original lead from Rat Ranch!”

Mark got off stage and I wanted to talk to him so bad, but the man was working. I waited for a lull and then went to speak to him. I didn’t want to be all, “Dude, Oh, I have been looking for you for like eleven years!” because, hello restraining order. So I walked over to the sound board and asked him if he was indeed the former lead for Rat Ranch.

me: Hi, I know your voice.
Mark: Really?
me: Really, the first time I heard you was in Austin back in the early 90’s.
Mark: Yeah, that was a long time ago.

I totally wanted him to be all, “Yesssss, I remember you! I have been looking for you since the summer of 93! You are totally hot. I have missed your face at my gigs. Please let me sing this next song in your honor.”

I am completely kidding, but also... NOT.

He was very kind and I hope flattered and he told me that he was living basically down the street from me now. He said he did sound for Emerald City but had his own gig going. He gave me a card and I gave him mine. I was so excited y’all. I am still trying to find out where he is playing now so Mister and I can show up to support live music and all of that. [read: drool when he does his rendition of “Separate Ways”.... like when Chant does that “Let Me Make Love to You” song... right Stacey? RIIIIIIIIGHT.]

Ps... Unanimously, “OKAY!” Hee.

That was just for you Stace.

So, I survived that trip. I got some edumacation, got to see some old friends, hear some great music, dance over a mile, drink a bit (A LOT) and generally got run down on lack of sleep, lack of food, an abundance of booze and smoked like Wendy O*.

Nonsequitor:
Anyone who has been reading along with the comments has noticed that my brother/partner in crime/wild and crazy guy Brian has asked for me to tell you guys the story about when he almost brained me with a set of nunchucks.

I, being of sound mind and body, but normally having to write shit down so I can remember it asked Brian in an email today to refresh my memory about said nunchucks story.

This is his reply:

OK, just to jog your memory it (briefly) went something like this: You and Steph are up late AND up to no good... sneaking out I guess. I am in perfect angellic sleep. I awake to hear something in the bushes outside my window. Suddenly, I see shaddowy figures moving back and forth... whispers...
I roll out of my bed quietly and reach under the box springs to grab my trusty 'chucks. I breeze across the house and out the back door as to gain the element of surprise on the intruders. I, in my boxers and t-shirt, move across the lawn. I still hear low whispers coming from behind the bushes. I prepare... and spring into action ready to chuck the shit out of whomever is lurking in the bushes and surely trying to break into the house! (I'm secretly hoping it's Bryan Jones... desperately hoping it's Bryan Jones) Just as I'm about to go "super ninja" on someone's ass, I have to quickly reel back as I realize that it's you and Steph that have caused my alarm. Now, I'm standing there infront of you two ladies in my skivvies with a pair of nunchucks... not cool. It was this episode that made me realize that I would NEVER get to go out with Stephanie.

Now, I am a goodly and sweet angelic type so I have NO idea what Stephanie and I would have been doing sneaking around outside his house in the dead of night. I am aghast at the story and the notion that someone of my chastity and honor would be hunkered outside a boy’s house in the bushes.

The NERVE.

Heh. We totally did that.

Also... another favorite quote from Brian today about our high school experience. I asked him if he, like every other free man on the planet had a crush on Stephanie too. His answer: “YES I had a crush on Steph from the beginning. But, she became a cheerleader and I became the historian of the German club. You do the math, dear.”

Two more things, then I will shut up for a while.

Number One: When I was in Nacogdoches my parents asked me to come visit them for Easter. I was married, didn’t give a shit if my no-good redneck husband (at the time) joined me or not on any trip so I looked at my calendar, located Easter and asked for time off. I bought my tickets, or my parents did. Whatever. And as I was getting ready to leave the next weekend, I called my parents to see if they would come pick me up from the airport when I arrived. My mother asked in a confused voice, “This weekend? I thought you were coming for Easter.” I am sure I rolled my eyes as I replied, “Yes Maaaaaaaaahm, this weekend is Easter.” I looked at the calendar with my dates off and the flight information to see over the dates a holiday listed. It was Easter alright, but ORTHODOX Easter.

And my sister, the loving goddess that she is gets my parents a calendar from Shutter Fly every year. And she always thoughtfully puts ORTHODOX Easter on the calendar for me. How sweet.

Never have and never will live that down.

Number Two: I like to consider myself a cool wife. I cook, I clean, I do not fuss. I am not in the habit of nagging and I’ll go with you to a strip club. Cool, right? I do get a bee in my proverbial bonnet about some things. Thing the first, movie rental late fees. Not sure why? But that drives me carnival bat-shit psycho crazy. Thing the second. Passports. Mister and I both have passports. I have used mine a total of like twice, but my rationale is that one day (like fucking Jason Bourne) you may need it. So when it was coming time for Mister’s to expire I started three months out asking him to please do the paperwork, and we’ll send ours in together so if we want to take a trip for, oh I don’t know... our fifth wedding anniversary ...OUTSIDE THE COUNTRY we could.

I can’t surprise you with a wonderfully planned trip to Dubai my love if we can’t leave the country. Yes? NO.

So, I started in November reminding him, sweetly, “Honey, your passport is going to expire in January, please do the paperwork and let’s send them off because mine is going to expire in March.” In December, “Have you even gotten your passport out of the lock box? I mean, I know you are like totally busy downloading illegal wares from the Internet, but could you just go get the thing? I’ll do the paperwork. Gah.” In January, “We are at CVS, they do passport photos, let’s get them done even though I look like a Fraggle and your have three day’s beard growth, who cares, it will just be a document that we will have for TEN YEARS!”

January came and went. This past Sunday I was all, “Fine. No, really, that’s cool. Mine is going to expire in March, YOURS expired in January and I’ll just do mine and get it out of the way. No really. No problem.” Total passive aggressive bitch, no? YES.

He pulls his passport out. It doesn’t expire until the year 2010. I am not kidding. Mine? He pulled it out of the document holder and started that deep chuckle belly laugh thing that would be totally creepy if he weren’t so awesome. I was all, “What? March right?” “Ha ha ha ha ha... oh, meee... ha ha ha ha.” “WHAT!?” I started to get screechy. He handed over my passport. Expiration date... JANUARY 2008. I stomped my feet and actually threw a temper tantrum. I guess it was funny because he was over there laughing his ass off as I stomped around and screamed in the master bathroom.

He said one thing. “Orhtodox Easter, huh?”

Gah.

*And if you got the Wendy O reference, you are my kind of people.