Suzanna Danna

Note to readers: Kind readers. Hi, I love you and want to make out with you a little bit, but because of proximity and that whole “you really aren’t into me in that way” thing I will just tell you a secret. This secret has a back story. Stop rolling your eyes at me. I know I am one to ramble on a while, but this back story is needed for you to get the full, ah HA! moment of the secret.

Do y’all remember that Rotary Club Gala thing where Mister almost paid $1275.00 for a Shi Tzu puppy? To refresh your memory... click here but scroll down halfway... then he wizened up and we got Zeke? Yes? Okay. At that same gala we bid on several items in the silent auction. We also won a few things in the silent auction. We figured, “Eh, charity... good cause, gimme another drink... [garbled mumblings].” So Mister got a brass door knob/paper weight from the capitol building in Austin (it’s totally cool), I got a Swarovski crystal angel fish broach that is mostly black and goes with everything, together with our “go to couple” (Gayla and Michelle) we got a dinner/cooking lesson thingy for six people and then I got a spa package for five ARASYS treatments for a steal.

The ARASYS treatments are what I want to tell you guys about. That is the closest website I could find to describe what is actually involved.

There is this little place here in Dallas called the Mapleshade Spa. It is a charming home that has been converted into a spa and I want to live there. The gift certificate from the Rotary Club gala had a few restrictions on it and the person who is the ARASYS specialist had a few time restrictions as well but I called and got my five appointments set up with Signey (like Sidney with a G) and started the first one on May 1st.

The appointments are an hour and part of the time is the actual set up of the ARASYS machine, pads, treatment spots and the like. Signey was fast, efficient and pleasant (she’s absolutely fabulous and hysterical... love her) and she could fit in two 17 minute treatments in my hour long appointments that I took over my lunch hour and I would be back at work to finish out my day.

Here’s the deal. When I was younger... and dancing all of the time I had very strong legs, my back and my ass were rock hard and I had a lot of core strength. But I have never, ever had upper body strength. My little T-Rex arms have always been limp little noodles. Sure, I could hold my frame when in ballet or dancing with a partner and my hands are strong so that helped with Jitterbugging... but my little arms? Imagine a five year old anemic little girl hauling off and hitting you as hard as she can. That? Is me.

Well, was. In the four weeks that I have had my five ARASYS treatments I have developed guns.

I still have a bit of that second wave thing (also known as granny bat arms) going on, but come on, what do you expect? Miracles? Ben and Jerry (my tummy lumps) have decreased and you may not be able to tell that I have a six pack under my nice warm layer of fat, but let me tell you what... I can feel them. And my ass? If it were any higher, I’d have to reach over my shoulder to get my wallet out of my back pocket.

I’m still large and in charge and not apologizing for it.

But...

Welcome to the fucking gun show, bitches.