Suzanna Danna

I’m a pussy.

It’s true.

Here’s the deal. I am a trained monkey. No, I do not have a small leash or dance to an accordion. (Shut up.) I am just kind of stuck in a rut. Okay, not kind of. More like Titanically stuck in a rut. A rut the length and depth of Mariana's Trench.

I do the same thing, yet with different groups, over and over and over and over. I have certain obligations and I do make very detailed events look seamless (it’s a gift) but I would like to expand on what I do for a living. Yet? I am a weakling. I have no gumption for taking the next step to get certified (dear Lord, the application is MONSTROUS (I am very afraid)) or to look for another job.

My rut is a fairly comfortable one, down lined with the occasional feather shaft poking me in the cornea or my right boob.

I am confident and very good at what I do, however, I am afraid that it has become easy. I am not being challenged mentally. My only challenge is that I am gone all of the time and the trips are little rabbit-y hopping ones. A few days here, now a few days there, oh… a few more over here… and just a few more there. It’s a pain in the ass.

If I were doing large events like I used to I would be in San Diego for a week, New Orleans for nine days, Atlanta for five. And the trips used to be spread out. Not so anymore. I have basically been gone since June and I am happy to announce that I will not be crazy traveling again until December.

Rock on.

But? I know I can offer so much more. I know that there is more creativity inside me. I know that I could … I don’t know… maybe… write a book. There was a comment left at the last entry asking if I had a book in the works. (Thanks Roni that was a massive compliment that I am still trying to comprehend.) And a friend (miss you Wendy) has asked me why I haven’t already put something to paper for the love of God.

My excuse? Nobody has asked me too. I haven’t been asked by a publishing house to write something.

Oh. My. God.

I am such a puss. Not to mention terribly disillusioned. What publishing house is going to wade through almost six years of my entries (out of the millions/billions of other sites out there), find a few well turned phrases and shout, “Eureka! We have found her! The answer to all of our prayers was right there in front of us the whole time… online!”

The crux? I am a big weenie with gigantic dreams and no guts. I come in everyday at my job because of a sense of loyalty and also health care. Lord knows it isn’t the big bucks. Why should I be loyal? I know where the company’s loyalty lies where I am concerned. Can you say expendable? Yes, yes… I have been here for a hairs breadth away from five years, but the scales have been removed from my eyes (as it were).

I’ve been having amazing dreams lately, movie worthy and very exciting dreams. Have I written any down to send to Kevin Smith to say, “Hey man. You know, I have this idea and I believe it is right up your alley.” No. No, I have not.

I have been asked to write editorials for a local chapter of a professional organization that I am a member of. Very nice, very cool… I have already been called brilliant and NO, I did not once use the word Fuck. I save that for you guys because I love you. But it is not the same.

Also? I have been sucked in by Twilight. Yes, I am sorry, I know you had higher hopes for me. But… another big butt… I have been somewhat moved by the books to write something because, dear Lord, have you seen any of the books? Parts of them are more descriptive (I can use seven adjectives in one sentence too!) and more poorly written than most of my fiction. I was reading the eleventeenth paragraph on how Bella was coming apart at the seams and the hole inside her… yadda yadda yadda and one thought slammed through my head. No disrespect meant Mrs. Meyer, but I could do better.

I know I am restless.

I know that I could use the crazy imagination that God gave me and write something.

I know that I could find a better place to work or change my position or role.

I just need to gather the courage.

Better yet, let’s be completely honest about this. I need to gather the courage AND get off my lazy ass and do something about it.