Suzanna Danna

This is probably a bad idea, since I thought about it this morning in the same vein of, “Maybe I shouldn’t have posted that story yesterday.” Cut to about a millisecond later and my AADD* was in overload and I was laughing my ass off at how this would actually play out.

*Totally not diagnosed. But, really… come ON.

Bruising Caused by Dry Humping

The People VS Dry Humper… Case 2398652056.

Baliff: All Rise. *pause* The Honorable Judge Dinklescheimer presiding. You may be seated.
Honorable Judge Dinklescheimer: This case causes me a great degree of discomfort and I would like to get through this as quickly as possible. I would like to remind the jury that they are under a strict gag order…
Dry Humper: (whispers) That’s what SHE said…. :: snerk ::
Judge Dinklescheimer: (raises an eyebrow at the defendant) … to not speak to the press about this case until it is closed. Would the defendant please rise… Son, you have been charged with aggravated assault using a blunt instrument. How do you plead?
Dry Humper: Not… guilty?
Judge Dinklescheimer: Counsel, keep a leash on that boy until these proceedings are complete.
Defense Attorney, Mr. Weasel: Yes sir.
Judge Dinklescheimer: Alright, boys and girls, here we go. Dr. Bono, your opening statement?
Attorney for the Plaintiff, Dr. Pro Bono: (stands and walks to the podium, adjusting his suit jacket, he opens a file folder and addresses the jury) Ladies and gentlemen, I am here today to protect the virtue of my client, Miss Danna. On a fall night in the soccer fields between Clark High School Stadium and the McDonald’s on Springcreek this young man (gestures to the defendant) caused significant bruising to my client. Your job here today is to find defendant guilty without a shadow of a doubt. We have character witnesses, a scientific expert and the testimony of a dorky little girl to show you that, that BOY (points dramatically) dry humped my client with MALIACE!
Mr. Weasel: OBJECTION!
Judge Dinklescheimer: You can’t object under opening statement, Jackass, but out of curiosity, on what grounds?
Defense Attorney, Mr. Weasel: I don’t like how Dr. Bono said the word “malice”… it just sounds sinister.
Judge Dinklescheimer: Overruled. Jackass.
Mr. Weasel: OBJECTION!
Judge Dinklescheimer: What now?
Mr. Weasel: Why do you have to be so mean?
Judge Dinklescheimer: What are you?... a 15 year old girl? Suck it up, Weasel.
Mr. Weasel: Yes sir.
Dr. Bono: I have nothing further. Your stand, Weasel.
Mr. Weasel: Thank you. (stands and walks to the podium, trips over his shoe laces and addresses the jury) Good people of the jury. I am asking for leniency for this boy, for he knows not what he hath done! He had no idea that he would be causing harm to the plaintiff. It was out of passion… and hormones that this accident occurred. Thank you for your time.
Judge Dinklescheimer: Dr. Bono, your first witness?
Dr. Bono: We would like to call an expert witness to explain to the jury exactly what happened.
Judge Dinklescheimer: And who would that be?
Dr. Bono: Dr. Frank N. Furter.
A rush of whispers that sounds like the ocean sweeps through the packed Courtroom as Dr. Furter flings open the swinging doors at the back of the room and strides down the center aisle. He swings open the divider, walks past the jury, gives them a jaunty wink and takes his oath from the bailiff.
Dr. Bono: Dr. Furter, could you tell the jury your full name and your occupation.
Dr. Furter: It would be my pleasure. My name is Dr. Franklin Norbert Furter I am a medical doctor with a specialist in adolescent hormones and I work for the Kellogg Foundation in Human Sexuality Research.
Dry Humper: He said, FURTER… heh.
Mr. Weasel: Zip it Sport.
Dry Humper: Yes, sir.
Dr. Bono: Dr. Furter, could you also tell the jury what makes you an expert in this field, and then show them your findings?
Dr. Furter: Of course. I am an expert in this field because I TOO was once a young man with my mind and body completely and totally driven by the hormone testosterone.
Dr. Bono: Dr. Furter, what kinds of things happen to a young man’s body during this delicate time. Let the record show that I am providing Dr. Furter with Exhibit A.
Dr. Furter: Ah, yes, Exhibit A. A chart showing the level of testosterone in a dairy bull that is mating several times a day and that of a 15 to 18 year old boy. They are about the same. 1000 kilos of testosterone per pint of blood inside their bodies, it makes them about as safe as a loaded weapon.
Dr. Bono: A loaded weapon? That sounds pretty dramatic, Dr. Furter. Let the record show that I am providing Dr. Furter with Exhibit B.
Dr. Furter: This is a picture of the plaintiff’s right hip area and her upper thigh. See the bruising and the discoloration of the skin? This is concurrent with blunt trauma. The bruising is a contusion.
Dr. Bono: Can you explain to me what a contusion is?
Dr. Furter: Of course, since the skin is not broken, it is not a laceration, a bruise is a trauma to the skin and the underlying muscles, where blood is gathered and then reabsorbed by the body.
Dr. Bono: Can you explain to me and the jury why you think that the defendant actually caused this… bruising to the plaintiff?
Dr. Furter: Yes, when a boy or a man has that much testosterone flowing through his body, it causes the penis to become engorged. An erection can be caused by anything as innocent as a brief puff of wind, or the affections of a young girl. The age and .. *ahem* size of the person in question would be consistent with this pattern of bruising. The size and shape of the bruising are consistent with a rock hard penis covered in denim. See, boys of this age can have such severe erections that they could possibly nail a rail road spike through concrete. Although most are aware of their partner’s discomfort, they are unable to stop themselves.
Dr. Bono: They are unable to stop, Dr. Furter, are you saying that they are… in a word, crazed?
Mr. Weasel: OBJECTION!
Judge Dinklescheimer: On what grounds?
Mr. Weasel: The witness is painting an awful picture of my client… words like enraged, erections, bruising, bull and crazed! This is preposterous.
Judge Dinklescheimer: Overruled.
Dr. Bono: No further questions your Honor, thank you Dr. Furter. Your witness, Weasel.
Mr. Weasel: Um, no questions at this time your honor.
Judge Dinklescheimer: You may step down Dr. Furter. Thank you.
Mr. Weasel: Look, I just want to say to the jury that my client is a good kid, he was just playin around, having a little fun, a little slap and tickle, if you will….
Judge Dinklescheimer: Counsel, you will refrain from outbursts like that in my courtroom or I will have you jailed for misconduct.
Mr. Weasel: It’s not like she didn’t drive him on and make him crazy kissing him back… and the…
Judge Dinklescheimer: Mr. Weasel, I am warning you.
Mr. Weasel: We’ve all been there before, and I am sure she was asking for it. And what? Does she have the skin of a peach? WHO bruises like THAT from a little dry humping? WHO?
Judge Dinklescheimer: Bailiff, please remove Attorney Weasel from my courtroom.
Dry Humper: Shut up man.
Mr. Weasel: She was ASKIN FOR IT!....
Judge Dinklescheimer: Good day Mr. Weasel, that will be a ten thousand dollar fine along with a night amongst the city’s finest.
The bailiff takes hold of Mr. Weasel’s arm, the attorney starts to resist, the bailiff gets him in a head lock and drags him away from the table towards the back door… Mr. Weasel loses a shoe. He is turning red in the face and spittle is forming at the corners of his mouth.
Mr. Weasel: She was ASKIN FOR IT!....
Judge Dinklescheimer: I SAID, GOOD DAY SIR. Case scheduled for next month so the defendant can get YET ANOTHER lawyer.
Dry Humper: Heh… FURTER.