Crazy Bitch
Hi. What? Did I just post lyrics and a link to a song then leave for like a fucking month? Um, yeah, that was me. And I’d do it again.
Okay, so the weird thing is this. I posted that song because it was on one of my “Marly’s FUCK YEAH! Mix CD’s” and then this* happened.
*Keep your shorts on Maude, I’m getting there.
I had a very interesting weekend last weekend. The 8th – 12th. I saw someone I had not seen in almost a decade. We’ll go with 11 years almost to the day we first met face to face. How awesome is that? It was pretty fucking awesome, I’ll tell you what. And that’s all I’m gonna tell you. You cheeky monkeys.
That Tuesday, we both got on planes, one to go home and one to go work in Austin (Um, this one was me). Austin was kind of a beating in a very 6 year old girl with noodle arms throwing a sponge at you kind of way. And what I mean by that is… it was very irritating but not particularly harmful.
Thursday evening coworker and I caught an earlier flight but our luggage decided to hang out at a bar in the Austin airport for a while yelling “WOOOOO!” and catch up with us around 9:15 or so. Lushes. Freaking luggage was late for the flight WE were on and we had to wait in Dallas for them to arrive. As soon as my drunk luggage got there, demanded smokes and beer (which I dutifully picked up at RaceTrack… damn pushy luggage), I headed to I-35E (North) and to De’s house. Got there, hugged up her girls, her neighbor and her walked out the back door, sat on the big ass chair (DIBS!), lit a smoke, took a pull on a beer and relaxed for the first time since Tuesday morning.
Have I told y’all about De? I have all these “D” people in my life, Dre (what what!?), DJ (Trixie) and De. A few months ago DJ called and said something along the lines of, “Hi… I need to ask you a favor. You remember the first time we met?” “Like it was yesterday, mama.” “I need you to do that same thing for my friend De. She has no support system and the way you pulled me into the group… she needs something like that.” “What’s the catch?” “Some baggage.” “Enough to rent space?” “I wouldn’t say that.” “Okay, done.”
So, um small snafu. The very minute De accepted my (on bended knee… that’s for you Sarah!) “Will you be my friend on FaceBook?... please check, yes, no, or maybe… I will be stalking you until I receive your reply.” notice was the very week after the 20 year reunion (read 8/25/10…. Re: the licking.,.. PS… I’m sorry baby Jesus. And thank you for not letting me bite it big time when I hurdled that planter at a full run to tell Stacey bye and grab her boob… Also, sorry for grabbing your boob Stacey.) When De accepted my friend request on FB she was immediately bombarded with ALL the pictures of THE LICKING. (Seriously, baby Jesus… sorry.)
Let’s go ahead and go with the statement released by her lawyer on the matter of the restraining order: “I hear by proclaim that Holy Shit I am so scared of that sweaty woman with the curly hair licking people, please don’t make me meet her PUH-LEASE… no seriously, I mean it. I don’t wanna!” Annnnnd Scene.
Cut to DJ emailing me. “Um, what’s with all the licking?” “It wasn’t me.” “Shut up hooker, De is totally afraid of you.” “Damn. Way to go Sue. Awesome. High Five, ME…. Okay, I’ll send her a FB message try to smooth things over.
And cut to now and De and I are totally like THIS**, yo. (**Two fingers … INTERTWINED bitches!)
So intertwined that we are going to see DJ on FRIDAY for the WHOLE WEEEKEND!! OMG! PONIES!!!!!1111!!!!!1!!!1111(eleven) Thank you Southwest Air for the reward tickets. Also, yes, I fly so much I know the sky caps in three of Texas’ major airports. So that worked out well.
*In the interim, Marly called me as soon as I hit the ground on Thursday evening. I had gone down a few weeks ago just for some Marly and Me time. She was all, “Hey Hot Mama, we have an extra ticket to the BuckCherry/Three Days Grace/Nickelback concert tomorrow and a place in the limo for you. Come down.”
You don’t have to tell me twice.
I called in “dead” the next day and drove down to The Woodlands and had one hell of a Rock Star night. Filled with champagne, Red Bull and Vodka, BEER (omg, so much beer), Rock Star energy drinks, vodka cranberries, some tiny blonde chick humping my leg, walking, dancing, jumping, screaming, climbing stairs (the calf muscle definition… WORTH IT!) and a massive stretch SUV limo! WOOOOO! Then I came home Saturday and mumble mumble mumble.
The end.
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PS… I got a shirt at the concert. It is black with a white design on it and in purple neon foil letters it reads, “Crazy Bitch”, fitting, no?