Suzanna Danna

My IGIGI post should be up any time now. I am working on getting my lazy butt up off the chair on the patio, playing dress up with the awesome garments and taking multi-angle pictures so y’all can see how pretty. Don’t forget to go to This Site HERE (CLICK IT!) and follow all the links to have a chance to win. You have (if you leave many much mucho (A LOT OF) comments on each entry) a chance to win one MEEEEEEEEEEEILLLION DOLLARS* (towards an insane amount of IGIGI gift certificates)! Seriously, the ladies of Weetacon are offering you the chance to win up to $700 in IGIGI gift certificates, just by leaving comments on their reviews. Follow the link. Really. No. Go. Do it… NOW.**

*slight exaggeration.
**Holy shit I am demanding.

Also, point your toes.

Just sayin.

Ok, so what else do I need to wrap up for you guys? What have I left undone? Oh, yeah, the porn. Hmmm. Well, we’ll go back there another time. I have been affected by the freaking Super Moon (shut up, just go with it) and I am distracted and horny. It is a bad combination. Imagine a hooker who is all “Hey, how YOU doin?” and then wanders off because she/he/me*** saw something shiny. You’re standing there with a roll of ones wrapped up inside two twenties to make it look like you got bank and can afford her/his/my sweet, sweet love.

***Didn’t wanna leave anyone out.

Alrighty, I just looked back at some previous entries and I have left out a bunch of stuff. I am going to just bite my lip and go with the most mortifying one first. I am not going to ask permission before I write this, because it happened to ME, and it is MINE. So. Now we know where we stand (if said person, who was also involved reads this page - [waves]).

So, the whole entire thing about having issues with people falling asleep?

Ready? Annnnnnnnnnd go.

So, I haven’t seen several movies through to their completion. There is a reason. No, I CAN TOO concentrate that long on something. For example; when I was married to Mr. X we tried to watch “The Dark Knight” like four times and every time (everymotherfuckingtime) it would get to the “all the ganstas around the table talking to the Joker” part and I would look over and “ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZsnerk…. (Mouth hanging agape)”. Yeah, Mr. X would be OUT. He’d apologize when he’d wake up and then we’d go to watch the movie again another night, he’d forget how it started so… from the TOP PEOPLE! And-a one and-a two,… I look over… “ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZsnerk…. (Mouth hanging agape)”. Jesus. Four times with THAT movie alone… to THAT scene alone.

Compound issue by almost eight years with him and suddenly (pe-shaw) I have an eye twitch.

I have issues people. And this one is about being fallen asleep on.

It makes me feel so,… yes, I know you’re tired, yes I know you have worked hard today. Yes, I KNOW you just had a big meal. Dude, go lay down. Go home. Gimme a heads up. Go to bed. Whatever, just don’t engage me in something that you are expected to stay awake for. It makes ME feel completely uninteresting and invisible. So yeah, I have negative anchors tied to people falling asleep. I AM AN INSOMNIAC. I deal. But …

:: Sigh ::

Ok. So. Yeah, um.

My face is so red right now. But I am going to go through with this.

(Streeeeetchy – Streeeeeeeeeeeetchy, head roll, and-a head roll… Fosse fingers, feet flex, contract abdomen and then arms out and away... and here we go.)

Side note to Stacey. Yes, I AM going there.

So.

I’ve been seeing this guy. (Lord, he’s gonna kill me for this.)

So, we’ve known one another for a LONG time. A very long time. I will not give specifics because people will start the guessing game (if they don’t know already). To most of you, NO it’s not him… or HIM either. This particular gentleman and I have been intimate for a few months and he… (:: deep breath:: ) he’s narcoleptic or something. I’m not sure. I tease him about it. He can fall asleep on the couch, the floor, the bed, standing (maybe), sitting, laying down, loud noises don’t matter, having a back rub will put him out in about three minutes, compound that with a big meal and presto, you’ve got a drooler lying in your lap snoring sweetly. And by your, I mean MY.

So a few months ago we went out to this awesome little German place (date bomb), sat there and ate a wonderful meal, laughed at jokes, had a blast. The food was fabulous, the waitress was SPOT ON (Love you Smith!), the entertainment was great. It couldn’t have been a better night. The weather was perfect, the night was gorgeous and I stopped us halfway through our meal and asked Smith to box everything up. I knew what we were gonna do when we got back to the apartment (I’M PSYCHIC!) and I knew that having a food baby (massively full belly)… let’s say, would not have been conducive to activities.

So laughing softly we walked out into the night with our to-go boxes and he was like, “Good call, I could have gotten really full.” I felt like I had made the right decision, but also sort of like a tyrant. “No more schnitzel for YOU!” But whatever, we went back to my place.

Blah blah blah. (Why am I kind of squeamish about talking about this?) I need to take my balls out of my purse and just go with it.

Starting over.

So we went back to my place, put the take away food in the fridge, turned down some lights, made out a bunch (and I must say, DAYUM… that man can kiss), shed clothing in a little trail all over the apartment, turned down the sheets and ended up in a heap on the bed. We had already had our pre-dinner romp or two**** (because that’s the way we roll, yo) and this was winding up to be a good one.

****I am such a whore.

He finished, I wasn’t there quite yet and so he wanted to help. Side note: he does have some very talented hands. So he was … doing that. And by “that” I mean he had his finger in my vagina.

:: Blink Blink ::

It’s hot in here all of the sudden. I can’t believe I am about to tell y’all this. I may have to walk it off for a few and then come back.

Y’all don’t care. You know where this is going, you just want me to say it out loud.

FINE.

So we were making out and he had his finger in my lady business and he kissed my shoulder, which put his head next to the bed annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd he fell asleep in a millisecond.

No. I’m not kidding. Please read that again.

He fell asleep with his finger inside of me.

I pushed his hand away, he tried to snuggle up, he was so sleepy and warm and cute (DAMN you for being so freaking adorable!), he wrapped me up in his arms and started saying something and while I burned holes into his face with the laser beams coming out of my eyes he fell asleep two more times in a matter of moments.

I froze.

I could feel the, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?” look on my face. Well, because that is exactly what I was thinking.

Then I got mad.

I disentangled myself from his long, strong limbs and went to the bathroom to get my robe. I was trying to keep my shit together because if I didn’t get him out of there quick, my shit was going to be all apart in a matter of minutes. I was about to lose it. My issues, compounded with … Hi… is my vagina BORING YOU!? Left me teetering close to carnival psycho crazy.

I got my robe on and walked back into the bedroom. He was all sleepy and sweet and he mumble/said, “Hi robe lady.” And I wanted to just… keep it together, so I turned on the light, he sat there blinking as I rounded up his clothes and politely folded threw them on the bed and said, “It’s time for you to get dressed and go home.”

I was holding on to my temper by the thinnest of margins, so when he was all blinky and asked “Why? What’s wrong?” His hair was sticking up all over the place, his eyes were squinty and I kind of wanted to punch him for being so fucking cute. I turned with his jeans in my hands and said in that scary low voice that ended in a scream, “You fell asleep with YOUR FINGER IN MY VAGINAAAAAAAA!”

Sorry neighbors. And the Baby Jesus.

He looked at me like “OMG WHAT DID I DO?” This horror, panic stricken look on his face, he started to apologize and tried to pull me onto the bed to talk to him. I most definitely did NOT want to talk to him about this. This was not something to Dr. Phil (yeah, I used that as a verb, wanna make something of it?) our way out of. My feelings were hurt; I was feeling insecure, very undesirable and flat out pissed. But somehow I allowed him to pull me onto the bed and we sat there Indian style talking and when he touched my shoulders with both hands and said, “You deserve so much more, you deserve to be happy..” I slipped off the bed like my hair was on fire and ran to the bathroom to throw on my yoga pants and sweatshirt. I SO did not want to cry in front of this guy.

I came out and told him, “I’m going out to smoke, please be gone when I get back.”

For the record, I don’t smoke around him.

I went out onto my patio… Max followed asking quiet kitty chirp questions, I smoked and informed him that I really didn’t wanna talk about it. He rubbed up against my legs and fell silent. Smart cat.

I could feel the him in my house. I smoked another. I wanted him to be gone. This wasn’t something that was supposed to happen. This was just supposed to be casual; no one’s feelings should have gotten hurt. Right? But he was still in my apartment. I could feel him in there trying to be unobtrusive and small… very still like the slightest thing would set off a bomb. I couldn’t stay on the patio all night, I also needed to pee. And maybe drink heavily.

I went back inside. I grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and noticed that he had slid on his t-shirt and boxer briefs; he was sitting in the middle of the big bed just waiting. I walked (stalked) to the door frame.

Me: What are you doing?
Him: Will you please talk to me?
Me: I asked you to leave.
Him: Please come talk to me, I am so sorry.
Me: Look… :: sigh ::
Him: Please?

I rolled my eyes hard because I SO did not want to have this conversation. I sat on the bed, we ended up talking for about two hours and somewhere in there I was comforting him and consoling him on what had happened. Max sat on the floor looking him dead in the eyes, not blinking … PISSED. Little kitty thoughts, “You fucked up the energy in my sanctuary man, you fucked up the chi… my human is not happy, YOU WILL PAY.” Not sure where the switch came in, but by the time he left I was exhausted and bone deep weary. I wanted to sleep forever, I just wanted that night to be OVER. Lord.

The next day, I woke up super pissed off.

I realized two things in my sleep. So I sent him a text:

Me: I woke up very angry.
Him: I’m sorry. What can I do to make this up to you?

Then he just called me.

Him: Hi.
Me: Look, I’m very angry for several reasons, number one, you did not respect my wish when I asked you to leave my apartment.
Him: I..
Me: Let me finish. Number two, somehow, after what happened I ended up consoling YOU for over two hours. That does not seem right.
Him: What can I do to make this up to you?
Me: (eyebrow raise… pull the phone away from ear and look at it)… You want to make this up to me?
Him: Yes.
Me: Fine, if you wanna keep this… whatever this (vague hand motion that he couldn’t see) is… going, I want you to woo me. I know where I stand in the levels of your priorities, and I am cool with it, but if you wanna keep this thing rollin, I want you to woo the fuck out of me. You got that?
Him: Yes, that sounds great, I wanna do that, Yes, absolutely. And the reason I did not leave is because I felt like you would take me leaving as a sign that I don’t care, and I do. And I am sorry that you ended up pampering me. I never intended for that to happen.
Me: Ok. I am glad we could come to an understanding.

Sunday faded into Monday. Nothing.

Monday came and went… Nothing.

Tuesday came and went… up until about 7 pm. I get a call from him, “So…” and he went off about work. I politely asked him to hold up then like a jackass I said:

Me: Don’t really care.
Him: (puzzled) O… kay?
Me: Do you remember that conversation we had about wooing?
Him: YES!
Me: Yeah, so… when does THAT start?
Him: (speechless)

I then threw a bunch of words at him like incompatible, like a circle and an oval, on the same vibe a bunch of the time, but SO off on others… and I talked him to death. Then the old, “Above all else, we’re friends first, so if you wanna deal with whatever is on your plate and (Warning: sports metaphor in 3, 2, 1) back up and punt another time, that’s cool.” And we left it at that.

The next day he showed up with not only wooing stuff for me, but for Max as well. Because Max will cut a bitch.

And he hasn’t fallen asleep on (or in) me since.

Shut up, my vagina is NOT boring.