Suzanna Danna

So we (and by we, I mean Steph, Stacey and I) took Kerry out to dinner last night to celebrate her OMG HOLY CRAP SHE’S TURNING THE BIG 4-0 TODAY, RIGHT NOW! As in SHE CAME OUT OF HER MOTHER’S WOMB (she’s gonna kill me) FORTY YEARS AGO ON THIS VERY DATE! IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD, 1971.

There were no strippers, no all girl fight club, no circle of validation, it was just a normal night out on the town for four ladies. ONE WHO HAPPENS TO HAVE JUST ENTERED INTO THE REALM OF ALL THAT IS FORTY! Well, it was us and a very odd little man. Let’s call him Eli, as that was his name.

And Eli was his name-o. Hey OH!

No. I will not apologize for getting “Old McDonald” stuck in your head.

So, we went to a fondue place that sounds a lot like “The Melting Pot”… because that was its name. We figured we’d have a nice leisurely dinner of boiling our food. And get caught up gossip wise and tell stories and… try to assuage Kerry that NO, nothing weird is going to happen. No, we had NOT… I repeat NOT… hired Randy the Master Blaster to come and gyrate on her lap with his 50+ (60+?) year old balls trying to escape from a flimsy man-thong. We knew good and well enough to be cool about this because that lady holds a grudge worse than my sister and we are all gonna be lining up for the next age bracket, “Yeah, I’m 40. Hot right?”, soon. Stacey first, then me, then our baby Steph is last. If we would have pulled anything funny … including, but not limited to, singing Happy Birthday to her… we would all pay, and pay dearly.

(Excuse me. I need to call her and sing. Annnnnnnnd done. Yes, it was beautiful. Shut up.)

So we walked in, some lady that had been huffing glitter and had the voice of Glenda the Good was all sing-songy, “Welcome to the Melting Pot where all of your dreams will come true!!!!” (sweeping arm gesture included) I was like, “SAH-Weet! So I can finally get that large, naked, mute, Samoan massage therapist I’ve been harping on and on about?” Stacey and I met Steph and Kerry at the bar area where the latter two were having a glass of wine. Glenda the Good showed us to our table and Kerry was immediately suspicious.

I went back to the bar area to settle up the tab with Steph and it took a little longer than forever because as soon as we returned to the table Kerry was all (she was wearing a monocle and had a very bright light pointed at us… surprisingly, her Russian accent was spot on), “Vaht vere you doin-k that took so verrrry long, my little pretties?” “Dude, relax, nothing, I was just… um… making out with (enter Eli) … Eli here in the hallway.” “BullShitz, because Eli was in here… with US!” Then she threw her small cigar down and crushed it out with her patented riding boot. (Man, that lady can really work a Nazi-period pantaloon.)

We calmed her down. No singing, no balloons, no strippers, no kumbahya, no clowns (shudder), no pirates making balloon animals, no surprises… relax*, we promise it’s just dinner and a few gifts.

We had no idea how odd the evening would turn out.

*Is it just me or when someone tells you to “relax” when you are already a little agitated, you immediately picture that scene in any grocery store in the galaxy where the lady has had it up to HERE with her precious little unique snowflake of an offspring and they are having a complete meltdown. Cue snot and hiccupping sobs and the mother grabbing said wee child by their upper arms and screaming into their faces, “RELAX! JUST… (huge sigh) RE-LAX!!!... (muttered, ‘Jesus Christ’)”….? Just me? O-KAAAAAAAAAAY then.

So Eli is taking drink orders and is completely flustered by our lack of concern for his spiel. He had told me in the hallway that he knew me and was glad I was back. I just assumed (yeah, yeah) that he was one of the many waiters that used to serve Mister and I back in the day. We had a special section and everything… whatever. I told Eli, it was good to see him again... they all look alike, I swear, and he was even like “You’re the one with the turtle joke.” And I was like “Uh, yeah… I mean, who isn’t? Am I right?” (high five) Whatever. Because, Yes, I am that person.

So he was like pointing around the table, “Wine, wine, wine and… Voss sparkling water over there for my special friend… correct?” Kerry,“Whatever.” (with an eyebrow raise in my direction) Me, Steph and Stacey, “Um, yes.” And he disappeared.

Kerry: What the fuck is all that about? I call bullshit.
Me: Um, seriously, I have no idea.
Stacey: :snort:
Steph: What?
Kerry: You do not know that guy.
Me: You are probably right. I mean, I have been here quite a bit but… the last time I was here was with Paul, so… um…
Kerry: You totally don’t know that guy.
Steph: That would have been a LONG time ago.
Stacey: No kidding.
Me: But, in all honesty, the turtle joke IS mine… so… I don’t know.
Steph: Which turtle joke?
Me: There are so many….

And Eli returns with more info on the spiel.

Kerry: :cough:Bullshit:cough:
Me: Um, Eli? I haven’t been here in quite a long time; I really don’t think I am who you think I am. What I mean is… I don’t believe we’ve met.
Eli: Of course we have. You’re unforgettable. And the turtle joke (private laughter, for himself… as I guess… it was private).
Me: Eli, then you’ve been here for what?... Two? Four years?
Eli: Oh, um… no… two and a half months.
Me: Yeah, no… definitely no. Not who you think I am. We don’t know one another.
Eli: You MUST have come in with another girlfriend or something.
Me: Um, no.
Eli: But…
Me: Can we move along? Spiel?
Eli: Okay, so the special “Big Evening Out”….. (waiter speak)
Kerry: Liar.
Me: Shut up.
Stacey: Heh.
Steph: What turtle joke?

Eli departs and Kerry opens her gifts, and then gives US party favors because she’s just like that, yo. She hands something to Steph and says, “To keep you from, you know…. On your trip…” Stacey is like, “What?”

Kerry: You haven’t heard about this?
Me: Oh, shit.
Stacey: Nope.
Steph: :giggle:
Kerry: Well, so Susan and I were talking the other night about Steph and all that she juggles and how brilliant she is, and how gracefully she handles everything,
Me: About how things can be falling all around and total chaos but it’s like she rises above it and has this calm… like…. If you put a stethoscope to her temple you’d hear something like Canon in D major or… la la la la la la la la laaaaaa (smurf theme)
Stacey: Is that the theme from the Smurfs?
Kerry: Yes…. but me being the pessimist that I am I was like, ‘nothing can be that perfect… I bet she’s secretly a cutter’…
Me: So I was like, yeah, but if she is, she’s just cutting a little under her left breast, where no one would ever see… with a perfect little ritual and a tee tiny little blade that’s been, bedazzled or something
Stacey: Y’all are awful…
Kerry: It was never meant to be mean… because we were discussing her brilliance…
Steph: :giggle:
Me: And Kerry FUCKING TOLD HER!
Steph: :giggle:
Stacey: :gasp:
Kerry: It wasn’t like that… I told her how we thought she was amazing…
Me: And Steph punked me SO hard.
Stacey: What did she do?
Me: One night I got this text from Steph “Y’all caught me! Good thing too, as I was just sharpening my Exacto knife!”
Steph: Hah ha ahahahahahaaaaa heeeee
Stacey: Oh, My… God.
Me: I know, right!? I was mortified, I had NO clue how Kerry had presented it to Steph and I would have HATED more than anything to hurt her feelings….
Kerry: Sue was freaking so hard, she kicked me out of the vault club!
Me: The next morning freaking Steph punks me again, “La la la la la la!!! Have a Smurfy Day! I’m off to work!”
Stacey: …. Holy shit.
Steph: heeeee!
Me: I know… right? Jesus. So I pulled my balls out of my purse and called her that evening and rambled on and on … on her voicemail no less… about … everything, I may have admitted to being the 2nd man on the grassy knoll. … whatever… I felt awful, and clearly she had taken it with the intention it was meant… but she punked me HARD. Put me RIGHT in my place.

Eli returned cheerfully, “So how are my favorite girls?” Kerry tried to kill him with a glare. It didn’t even slow him down. “Do you know what you want for starters, birthday girl?” (GLARE) Heh.

He would interrupt every conversation, every bought of laughter, even ordering was weird.

Eli: So we’ll just start with our resident expert over there…
Me: Ok, so for our cheese fondues we’ll have…
Eli: OMG, that is gorgeous turquoise…
Me: :blank stare:
Stacey: Your necklace.
Eli: What would you call that?
Me: A pendant, a medallion… um, 12 dollars from Torrid?
Stacey: Heh.
Kerry: (Glare of death)
Steph: (sips wine… eyes darting left and right)
Me: Ok, so for our cheese fondues we’ll have…
Eli: Are you sure, the blah blah blah Ginger… with the Big Night Out….
Me: …. for our cheese fondues we’ll have…
Eli: I mean really, for the price it is your best bet and with the coupon…
Me: …. for our cheese fondues we’ll have…
Eli: Ok…. And your salads, and entrees?
Me: (orders for whole table)
Eli: Fabulous choices. I knew I could count on you to pick the best. (he departs)
Me: Is he gone?
Stacey: Yeah.
Me: Holy shit. I mean… wow. Sorry. And did he just queen out on us?
Kerry: Nelly…
Me: Huh?

The evening went on like that for hours. We would be laughing and joking and enjoying our cheese and he’d come in and freaking spill Kerry’s wine all over Steph. Steph… not stabbing him with her little fondue fork… was gracious about it. And then he’d jump into an already rousing laughter from the four of us with a “HA HA HA HA! I know! Me too!” Then he’d try to assert his manliness, “The last time you saw me I must have had that FULL BEARD.” (in my head… Like Katie Holmes?) Or “Hah, yeah, I know… If I would have tried to shush my ex fiancé she wouldn’t be having ANY of that!” (in my head… where are the three snaps in Z formation?)

We of course had a blast. We always do with the four of us get together. It was just a very strange evening. After the checks were paid and we were all walking out, I SWEAR he tried to follow us downstairs to the cars. It was strange, “Y’all come back and when you do… you’d BETTER ask for ME!” Once downstairs, “Like hell I will.” From Stacey and “Fuck, how much did you guys tip him!? He tried to come home with us!” From Kerry.

So Happy Birthday to my dear friend Kerry. May this year be the best and the next 40 even better. I love you!