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October 13, 2011

My Little Pony

I had dinner the other evening with someone who I thought would remain firmly seeded in my past. The FB message, a basic, “hey, I’m in town, wanna grab a beer and catch up?” kinda threw me for a loop because A) it was so freaking casual and B) I had not seen him in over a decade. We were never close like “tell me your darkest secrets” kind of close, but me and this guy had been through some of the same murky waters once upon a time back in the redneck decade.

I surprised myself by responding with an almost flippant, “out of morbid curiosity, sure, I’ll grab a beer with ya” we got our plans straight (completely last minute and I never thought they would come to fruition so I had let it slip my mind that he had said Monday – Wednesday would work and so I kind of bawkked into the phone like a chicken when he called Tuesday, “So, how about tonight?”) and Tuesday night we went out for a beer and some bar food.

I had let slip some of the past redneck details to a girlfriend the night that I was running to meet him for the beer so the next day I got a text from her.

Kerry: How was your dinner last night?
me: It was nice, went to Down Under Pub and Grill had a few beers got caught up.

Apparently I am a complete and total whore (or my vagina is just really friendly) because she was not satisfied with my answer.

Kerry: And…
me: Annnnnnnnnnnnd… I got abducted by aliens and now know the meaning of life.
me: And… What?
Kerry: Ok, b that way…
me: You wanted something juicy and whorish to happen didn’t you? Heh
Kerry: [preach to the] Choir here
me: Want me to make something up? I’m good at it. :)
me: He proclaimed his undying love for me, said a day didn’t go by that he didn’t rue the day I left Nacogdoches, he brought 2 dozen peach tulips and a pair of
Kerry: edible underwear?
me: Tiffany diamond stud earrings and a map of his land and handed over the deed… along with his heart.
Kerry: Is this like Mad Libs?
me: He wooed me with words of hunting, fishing and exotic trips to Africa and the Hedonism Resort. Then swore that he had full (from neck down) laser hair removal.
Kerry: (silence)
me: His nails were manicured, his hands were soft, his body … hard as steel, we’re eloping this weekend.
Kerry: (silence)
me: And he bought me a pony. I’ve only seen the picture, but Patches looks lovely.
Kerry: Patches of shit.
me: You don’t believe me? I’m hurt.


Then I sent her a picture with the caption below.

Einstein-the-smallest-hor-005.jpg
Patches and the baby boy he bought for me too..

She’s still not really speaking to me.

October 19, 2011

Big Girls Don't Cry

Victoria felt like she had a placard hung around her neck declaring her the world’s most gullible woman. “If it were more accurate,” she thought to herself, “then it would just read “FOOL”.”

Victoria, Tori to her friends, had always been the one to jump into things that most others would find trivial, foolish, silly-hearted and worst of all romantic. So she kept these little escapades and dreams a secret. She considered herself to be stoic in the face of raw emotion. She could handle her own pain, and yours too… she just didn’t want to be seen as ‘THAT girl’. You know the one, the girl with stars in her eyes, hands clasped to her bosom in mid-swoon and “Isn’t he dreamy?” on her lips. She wanted to be seen as tough, self reliant and straight forward.

If the world found out that she liked to cuddle, her image would shatter.

Or so she thought.

For most of her life Tori had taken on roles that stretched her, challenged her, and threatened to break her. She took in strays, pets and people. Her mother had told her after her last doomed relationship that her picker was broken. How apropos. She could fix a driveway, darn a sock, prepare a meal, build a shelter, start a fire, make a perfect medium rare steak, gentle a wild animal, grow a garden, be a shoulder for friends in need, be a calm port in a storm… but she couldn’t pick out a suitable partner for herself.

And not for lack of trying.

Sure in the past she had been that girl who would just play with whoever came to the door, but in the past several years Tori had decided to make sure she wasn’t going to settle. She knew what she wanted and she was going for it.

She had known Jimmy for many years. He was handsome, sweet, could make her laugh, got her blood boiling in a good way and they were very tight friendship-wise. A few years before when they had reconnected they were both in long term relationships, hers failed and as fate would have it he started making noises about getting out of his own. He supported her emotionally during the downturn of her relationship and subsequent collapse so she fully expected to be there for him if it ever came to that.

She respected him, his choices and his honor with sticking to his promises to his partner, but she did not respect their relationship. As an admittedly very biased outsider she watched as things deteriorated at an alarming rate. Still he held on to his bond.

He told her that she was his future, she believed in him. They worked out how their future would be, both of them breathless and excited at the prospect of happiness and having each other as a partner. On paper, it was perfect. She felt a little wary that she was planning a future with a married man, but they felt secure in the knowledge that it was fine and only a matter of time until they could move on, promising one another that they wouldn’t do anything untoward to stain his previous promises to his bride.

Tori cheered Jimmy on; she stood by, praying, when things went wrong with his marriage that he would feel comforted by someone or something more powerful than herself, knowing she couldn’t (really) comfort him and remain outside the boundaries they had set for their relationship.

She moved on in her little world trying to make sure her needs that were not previously met were and she also tried to support Jimmy emotionally and as a friend. Not wanting him to be completely miserable within his marriage. She knew his needs were not being met. She knew… well, to be honest, too much. When his wife asked Tori to please take care of Jimmy if something happened to her, Tori hesitated, knowing that she would do just that, but aware that this was a promise. Promises really mean something to Tori, so after some thought, she gave her word that she would do just that, take care of Jimmy.

The bride cautioned her, “Just don’t forget, I’m not gone yet.”

After Tori’s failed relationship she became sort of the 3rd wheel with Jimmy and his wife. She did things with them both, enjoyable dinners, “grazing” on cheese, fruit and wine pairings, going out with Jimmy’s wife when he had a work obligation to meet. She enjoyed her time with both of them; she liked being a part of their world. She really liked it unless they were having issues or arguments. She would step outside to give them their privacy to speak to one another or just leave. She didn’t appreciate when Jimmy’s wife would emasculate him either in front of her, in public or in private even if it was just Tori and the bride. She started distancing herself from negative situations and tried, still as a very biased outside observer, to support Jimmy and look out for his best interests at the same time while trying to keep those boundaries up.

Tori’s mother and father were aware of her and Jimmy’s situation. Her mother, knowing more than her father, supported her wholeheartedly. Her sister, knowing just enough, tried to boost her morale. Her father, in his gruff and succinct way of putting things told her, “Girl, be careful, that is one slippery slope.”

One of Tori’s best girlfriends met Jimmy and he was candid about his intentions where Tori was concerned. The girlfriend asked thoughtful questions and Jimmy gave thoughtful, hopeful, gentle and sweet answers. Tori’s love for Jimmy grew even stronger after that conversation. She watched as he told someone near and dear to her heart that he did love her and he fully intended for the time to come, and soon, for him to hold Tori on a pedestal on which she deserved to be.

Tori cried.

At home… alone, later that evening.

The years stretched out before Tori. She spent time with her friends and one man in particular. A man with whom Tori was certain that there would never be a future. He had enough baggage to rent space and she would never be that priority that she wanted to be for someone special.

That priority that she and Jimmy had promised one another.

She worked, she spent time with her family, but the time she normally spent with Jimmy and his wife dwindled.

Previously she and Jimmy spoke every day. They would text back and forth continually keeping up a string of playful banter mixed with emotional support and serious matters. The chatter screeched to an abrupt halt, the texting and phone calls were far and few between.

One evening on her way home from a business trip Tori, as was her custom, texted Jimmy to let him know that she was on the road and when she would be arriving. About an hour later he responded with a message, “I can’t do this anymore.” Tori waited, wondering which subject he was referring to. He went on to tell her about a large row that he and his bride had been in for several days. The fight was never ending, it seemed, and he wanted to just leave. Tori reminded him that he had a key to her place and as always, was welcome to seek refuge.

He had never done so before, so Tori doubted that he would.

Another hour went by and the next flurry of texts were confusing and frightening. Jimmy told Tori that he was on his way out the door when something happened with his bride and that she had fallen and that they were on the way to the ER. Missed calls and undelivered texts resulted in Tori arriving a little before 11pm completely uninformed about Jimmy and his bride’s situation and very worried. Finally getting a call back from Jimmy, he said that he was at the ER and could really use a friendly face.

Tori packed a bag of snacks and bottled waters and headed toward the ER, putting all of the missed communication and miscommunication between she and Jimmy behind her she went to stand by her friend.

At the ER the tension was so thick it was hard to breath. The bride was in pain, Jimmy was in pain and his eyes looked sorrowful, tired and just plain beaten down. Tori greeted the wife, asked her if she could help make her more comfortable… with that Tori sat beside her friend and waited. After a while when Jimmy would leave the room the bride would speak directly to Tori, asking her about her trip, completely lucid when moments before she had been incoherent with pain and a mixture of medications. Tori was shocked. She looked at the defiant gaze in the bride’s eyes and realized she had gone way too far. In trying to support her friend, she had helped wedge open the gap that was already there in Jimmy’s marriage. She had enabled him to not lean on his bride, his already intended, his partner. She had let him think he had a safe haven waiting for him when he decided to let go.

She was guilty.

She was ashamed.

She was furious.

Tori did not know how to deal with these emotions. Clearly her father was correct. It was a slippery slope. She was in love with a married man. How could she let that happen? Of course Jimmy was going to honor his vows and stand beside his bride. He was miserable, but he was comfortable. It was hard to imagine that after all the talk that had passed between Jimmy and Tori, she had felt the vibrations of the train on the track beneath her feet but was too stupid to get off when the train barreled down upon her.

She watched Jimmy backtrack into his comfort zone. She listened as the bride dirtbagged her friend. She watched as Jimmy turned and said Tori wasn’t the person he thought she was. Someone he couldn’t really see himself with in the future. She felt hurt, betrayed and mostly, she felt the fool.

She knew it was the oldest story in the book, she just never thought it would happen to her.

Tori stepped back and took a look at herself in the mirror. Drawn across the bathroom mirror in red lipstick was one word to keep her in place. To remind her that she looked like a fool. She was THAT girl. And what was worse, was that she was in love with someone who would never be hers.

Unrequited love… “So this is what that feels like.” She said to her reflection, the word “FOOL” on the mirror breaking her face into lines.

She began to cry.


Cry%20Eye%20by%20E.jpg

Artwork by ELLY, used without permission because I can’t find her. But… all credit given.

October 28, 2011

Giant Wad of Toilet Paper.....

So let’s talk about shit.

Literally. I wanna sit y’all down and talk about bodily functions.

I have a small one bedroom, one bathroom apartment. Well, one bedroom and a bath and a half (Max’s restroom is in the laundry room… that counts, right?). So my… business… is done in a very private area. Alone, with 4 deadbolts and a garage door between me and the outside world.

I am not one to follow you into the restroom for conversation, I have a shy bladder* and on family trips my mother and I have been known to “go without” for neigh on a week. My daddy says it makes us mean. Moving on.

*Friends in college would be at the apartment and whenever I would (Khaaaaaaan!) “break the seal” after one or seven too many beers, Chad would holler through the apartment, “WE CAN ALL HEAR YOU PEE!” to which my bladder would close up, the kegals stopping the flow at the mere mention of someone hearing me tinkle… and I would carry the heavy weight of a bladder full of beer around with me the rest of the night, while someone would try to tickle me. Lovely. PS… Fuck you all.

So, suffice it to say, I have…. Issues?

Thank goodness the X’s trailer** had two bathrooms… and locks on the doors. As he would be one to come in while I was in the tub and make motions towards… his… morning constitution. (Gag.) I would hurl things like razors, loofas, towels, whatever was in reach, screeching, “Getoutgetoutgetout!” until he backed out saying, “Okay, ok, ok… I’m going to the other one… Lor-DUH.” Yes, he could make “Lord” two syllables. It’s a talent.

**Oh the irony. It burns.

Mr. X is a very polite man who would (even in agony of appendicitis… which makes you… gassy) have the grace to act embarrassed if he tooted.

(I’m 12, pardon me while I hide my mouth behind my hand and giggle at the word toot.)

He never dutch ovened me… Thank God. Or anything like yelling, “Hey, come lookit the shape of my deuce!”

I’m not saying that I don’t have baggage, I do. I am also fully admitting that if there was an attractive man, over 5’10” who had similar values, got my motor runnin (if you know what I mean), was kind, nice to old people and animals, employed (or wealthy enough not to have to be) and made me laugh and wanted to make sure I was treated in a Queenly manner (spoiled, spoiled, spoiled)… if this said Mr. Right was firing on all cylinders and a great conversationalist. If he was smart and liked to brush my hair and pet me… I still don’t know if I could get past a dude who wants to poop with the bathroom door open, then talk about it later like it was a prized piece of art. Or ask me to pull his finger or fart on me (in my general direction) then laugh and run away (or… stay… either position is equally repugnant).

Is this mad?

I mean, yeah, I use enough toilet paper in one session to make sure NOTHING TOUCHES MY HAND… EVER. Enough that would provide perfectly stable and safe padding shall your vehicle’s air bag fail to deploy. What? I’m “green” in other areas, but we will NOT skimp on the toilet paper.

I DO have one problem. While at work (ok, more than one problem) there are chatty people in the stalls. The toilets could flush a housecat, which is awesome. But I have… difficulty even trying to void my bladder when there are people in there freshening up, talking gossip, or God forefend… talking on their cell phones. And for some reason I am mortified when an older lady comes in and just sits down to well… do her business, noisily then comes out while I am boiling my hands and tries to be chatty.

Lady, I just heard you drop off the kids at the pool and hit the air breaks like six times, no, I don’t want to discuss my boots.

Yes, they are awesome.

And they help out a charity.

(distant pimp music)
And now it’s time for a break down.
Lookit.
These are mine.
Wearing them right now.
So excited I may have to pee! Ut oh…

9%20West%20Runway%20Relief%20Boot.jpg
Go Here… Buy them. And NO, I am not getting rid of 2 Pairs of shoes just because I bought ONE… THESE are for Charity!

About October 2011

This page contains all entries posted to Suzanna Danna in October 2011. They are listed from oldest to newest.

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