Suzanna Danna

I had dinner the other evening with someone who I thought would remain firmly seeded in my past. The FB message, a basic, “hey, I’m in town, wanna grab a beer and catch up?” kinda threw me for a loop because A) it was so freaking casual and B) I had not seen him in over a decade. We were never close like “tell me your darkest secrets” kind of close, but me and this guy had been through some of the same murky waters once upon a time back in the redneck decade.

I surprised myself by responding with an almost flippant, “out of morbid curiosity, sure, I’ll grab a beer with ya” we got our plans straight (completely last minute and I never thought they would come to fruition so I had let it slip my mind that he had said Monday – Wednesday would work and so I kind of bawkked into the phone like a chicken when he called Tuesday, “So, how about tonight?”) and Tuesday night we went out for a beer and some bar food.

I had let slip some of the past redneck details to a girlfriend the night that I was running to meet him for the beer so the next day I got a text from her.

Kerry: How was your dinner last night?
me: It was nice, went to Down Under Pub and Grill had a few beers got caught up.

Apparently I am a complete and total whore (or my vagina is just really friendly) because she was not satisfied with my answer.

Kerry: And…
me: Annnnnnnnnnnnd… I got abducted by aliens and now know the meaning of life.
me: And… What?
Kerry: Ok, b that way…
me: You wanted something juicy and whorish to happen didn’t you? Heh
Kerry: [preach to the] Choir here
me: Want me to make something up? I’m good at it. :)
me: He proclaimed his undying love for me, said a day didn’t go by that he didn’t rue the day I left Nacogdoches, he brought 2 dozen peach tulips and a pair of
Kerry: edible underwear?
me: Tiffany diamond stud earrings and a map of his land and handed over the deed… along with his heart.
Kerry: Is this like Mad Libs?
me: He wooed me with words of hunting, fishing and exotic trips to Africa and the Hedonism Resort. Then swore that he had full (from neck down) laser hair removal.
Kerry: (silence)
me: His nails were manicured, his hands were soft, his body … hard as steel, we’re eloping this weekend.
Kerry: (silence)
me: And he bought me a pony. I’ve only seen the picture, but Patches looks lovely.
Kerry: Patches of shit.
me: You don’t believe me? I’m hurt.

Then I sent her a picture with the caption below.

Patches and the baby boy he bought for me too..

She’s still not really speaking to me.