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November 2011 Archives

November 2, 2011

Samara is in My Toilet.

Mascara on lashes and lipstick on kittens
Bright colored sweaters and being bitten
Brushing my hair being tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Products and lotions and high leather booties
Earrings and make up that make me look cute-y
Smacking my butt cheeks ‘til they fairly sting
These are a few of my favorite things

… Oh… hi… sorry, you caught me singing to myself. Remember the other day when we were talking about things getting clogged… toilet… slow drain in the tub. Well, I have been singing this little ditty (and variations thereof) in my head since Monday. Monday was the day of “ONCE YOU SEE IT, IT CAN NOT BE UNSEEN!”

My toilet was clogged again. AGAIN. I know, if I wouldn’t use a catcher’s mitt amount of toilet paper to protect my hand from pee, this wouldn’t happen. Whatever, it’s a quirk. Deal, okay? So, yeah, I was working away from home… toilet clogs, I call the people… the service people. Whoever they are, those guys that make living in an apartment awesome. I have a leak? “Hey, um… I have a leak.” Boom. Fixed. I have a clog? “Hi, yes, it’s clogged again.” Boom. Fixed. Those guys. So I called the people. “Hi, I have a clogged potty and the drain in the bathroom is slow.” “You have one bathroom only, yes?” “Yes.” “H’okay, we’ll be there soon.” “YAY!”

This Lilliputian man shows up and knocks. I have to open my door to see anything other than the top of his head as he was too short for the peephole. Pocket service man. He was carrying a plunger and two sets of pliers. The needle nosed pliers will be important in a few minutes. Remember them.

He nods up at me and smiles. I can see him thinking, “Oh great, just what I need, a big, fat chick who ate too much of her own Halloween candy calling me for a clogged toilet.” He was pleased (I’m going by the smile on his face) to get to the bathroom and find the water clear…. Just clogged. He took care to remove things from the back of the toilet, bath salts in a glass container ect. and remove the back lid. He flushed, plunged and was done in like 30 seconds. I gave him some paper towels and a plastic sack to put the plunger in and he turned his attention to the tub.

Now I have had these issues before (clogged toilet, slow drain), but I have never been there for the actual fixing of said issues.

This is important.

He reached into the tub and unscrewed the little stopper for the drain.

(Excuse me. I need to walk away for a moment.)

He used one set of pliers to take the stopper off and the other… the other to reach in and grab a giant mass of (Dear God, it looked like something from The Grudge) hair and with a gleeful grin, dropped it directly into the toilet and flushed it.

He went back from more and this time pulled out more hair that rivaled the size of an East Texas barn rat. He flushed this as well. I was thinking, “If that … (vurp/swallow) gets caught and clogs… I’m running for it….”

He went back a third time and rooted around for a moment with the awful noise of metal on metal on wet, moldy, HAIR and pulled out a third mound of… You know… I am pretty sure that he may have been fucking with me, because if I lost that much hair between this and the last time I called “the people” for my slow drain, I would be well and surely bald. But he hauled up another clump of … Lord. Yes, more hair, and I can guarantee you … Ok, I’m making myself sick about this… so let’s not talk about it anymore, and I’ll promise to not ever be home for “the people” for when they come back. Or I just won’t talk about it.

Ok, just one more thing. I’ve been having nightmares that the chick from The Ring is going to do that weird jerky crawl thing out of my well toilet/TV in the middle of the night and breathe on me.

Happy Halloween!

BTW… I still have all of my candy left. Not one trick or treater. I would like to take the time to blame this on me following Steam Me Up Kid and Gween Brick on FaceBook and giggling maniacally while sitting on the porch. Yeah, that could be it.

November 18, 2011

If Only I Could Draw.

I was having this amazing dream where everything was crisp and vibrant. The colors were kind of soft with a patina but only around the edges. In the middle the contrast was so bright you could taste the dust motes on your tongue, you could see the starkness between a ray of sunlight and shadow like the light carved the darkness with a blade.

I could smell the exhaust of the little scooters in the streets, racing past at break-neck speed.

I could feel the dirt stuck to my face.

I was on the phone, and walking, walking, walking, pleading with an embassy, talking to confidants and listening to the advice of close friends and smart people. I was working a deal, it was so complex, sort of like the domino theory of transplants that only happens on Grey’s Anatomy

I was so hot, sweaty and grime stained, and I kept wiping my face with an old dark blue bandana that I had shoved in the back pocket of my cargo pants. Sometimes the point of view would be like that of a “Ghost Hunter” with the shoulder mounted (POINT IT AT MY FACE!) camera, kind of shaky and missing frames. Sometimes the point of view was very circular, because this deal…. MAN… this deal had to go through.

I was working on (for pennies a day, enough to buy a cup of coffee) adopting children for each of my family members, my friends, and the man whom I am sleeping with (shut up). I was adopting these babies with flies in their eyes so my family and friends would receive a picture and a description of Umfoofoo and Shakira and about how they love to learn, dance and read, and notes that would read, “Thank You my new adopted family! Because Of YOU I can afford a flip flop and this aluminum ashtray.”

It’s a freaking Christmas MIRACLE!

Somehow the dominos didn’t fall right and I ended up with a retired circus grizzly bear who was wildly incontinent and who would remove his diapers if they weren’t just motherfucking perfect.

My biggest worry THEN was how to get him changed if he wouldn’t lift a freaking paw to help. Not to mention how to catch an Alzheimerized grizzly to change its diaper.

Freaking nightmare.

Stupid bear.

About November 2011

This page contains all entries posted to Suzanna Danna in November 2011. They are listed from oldest to newest.

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