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December 2011 Archives

December 28, 2011

How To: Give Your Lady An O

In this season of giving and receiving it has been brought to my attention that there is not enough “How To” manuals on the shelves. No, my dears, I am not speaking of How To … Make a Better Bundt Cake, Realizing Your Self Worth, Turning a Million in Real Estate into Twenty Five Bucks of Cold Hard Cash. I am speaking of How To Guides to giving that special gal in your life the gift of a magnificent orgasm. I don’t care if you are bi, straight, gay or just really friendly*… this season give her the gift that keeps on giving. And I am sure that you will receive in return**.

*I am not a whore. I am just very friendly.

**Unless they are slutty, selfish bitches. You know who you are my darlings.

The first thing you have to realize is that each woman, like a unique special snowflake, is as individual and as special as a hot house orchid. Sometimes, they can be hardy. Sometimes they can wilt on you for no apparent reason. And sometimes, they need a hand/mouth combination of… spritzing. If you know what I mean, and I think you do. (You can purchase those teeny little spritzing cans at your nearest Home Depot or Lowe’s. And if you actually try to use one of those on her… special flower, you may be receiving an all expense paid (by you) trip to the ER to fix your broken jaw.***)

***Unless she’s into that sort of thing… then, mrow, call me mama! (I have no idea what I am saying.)

Alrighty, back on track.

So each woman is unique in her own way. Some women are all about the, “Wooo!” “Lemme get on top!” “TURN OFF THE LIGHTS!” and then Bam! They are happy campers. Most women are a little more complicated than that. You have to take into consideration several things before you proceed:

1) Her state of mind at that particular moment.
2) How she is feeling about her body at that particular moment.
3) How she is feeling about YOU at that particular moment.
4) Is she particularly stressed out?
5) Have you been sweet to her lately?
6) Have you told her she is pretty?
7) Does she believe you? Or does she just think you’re sweet talking her to get her to do that thing she does with her tongue?
8) Is she planning on murdering you for being a cheating whore?
9) Does she have family coming into town?
10) Would she rather be doing a million other things that she knows she has to do right that second because each moment that passes is a lost opportunity to do laundry, pluck her eyebrows, run to the store for a half gallon of milk, has she shaved and lotioned properly?, do her thighs look good in this light?
11) Seriously, WHAT the fuck is wrong with you? TURN OFF(down) THE LIGHTS!
12) Have you touched her in sweet ways all day/week/month long? Or is this the first time you have touched her in months?

If your answer is 12 is anything other than "I touch her lovingly every chance I get."… then fuck you. Go to hell. Everyone else, keep reading.

So, yeah, you have your plate full thinking about all of those things. But just think, we’re women, we’re crazy (in a good way) all of that shit above is already in our heads. Your mission, if you chose to accept it, is to make allllllllllllll of those thoughts go away. You can do it, we know you can. With the right combination of affection, lighting, distraction and timing she’ll be putty in your hands (mouth, whatever).

Our minds are full on tilt-a-whirls of thought process. Get us to focus on you (or better yet, ourselves), on what you are doing to our bodies, make us feel like we are one big “pre-sneeze” and we will do whatever you want (within reason). Touch us gently, make out with us, kiss our necks, the arches of our feet (unless we hate that (TRIXIE)), the backs of our knees. Turn off the phones, lock the doors, don’t try to do a music mix (I beg of you, we’ll be analyzing each song wondering what the lyrics mean), just make sure it’s a comfortable temperature and then unleash your lust.

Take cues from her body, is she pulling away? She doesn’t like that. Is she leaning into it? She does. Good going… keep it up. Is she still talking? Shut her up, kiss her. Do something you know will make her do that sharp intake of breath, followed by a small moan that you look for as a “GO GO GO!” sign. If you do not know what this means… close this page and go ask an older man, or better yet, an older woman to take you under their wing and for the love of God, teach you.

Take off her clothes as she would take them off of herself, either slowly or efficiently, always removing each item with care or then folding it neatly and placing it away from a candle if you have one lit nearby. You don’t want her thinking, “Dear God the house could catch fire, and THAT is my Favorite blouse!” Right?

This is all about taking away her worries, making it like a spa environment. As a matter of fact, that is a great way to look at this. If you can make this a safe little vacation bubble for the two of you (yes, even if it is only for an hour or two) that would be a fabulous way to view it. Take away her worries, her stresses; make sure she is concentrating on the things that you are doing to make her feel sexy, sultry, in the moooooooooood.

Yeah, most of this is mental. We know. Seriously, we’re insane. It’s ok. We’re aware of it too. Just help make it go smoothly and all will be right.

Once you have her in the mood, and naked… (or in a little chemise, if she’s self conscious about her body) then tell her you would love to fulfill her fantasies. That you want her to feel good. But not too much pressure y’all. I once had this man want me to orgasm at the stroke of midnight… on New Year’s Eve… while eating chocolate dipped strawberries and holding a flute of champagne while he went down on me. Um. No. I am not a circus performer.

The less thought she has to put into it (letting go is key), the better. This is about HER after all, right? So make it about her, move around her, don’t make her come to you and sit/lay a certain way so your damn hand/arm/face/neck/knees don’t get tired. OMG do not get me started.

Actually, if she trusts you, the more thought you can take away from her, the better, right? So, maybe a sleep mask as an impromptu blind fold, maybe a scarf as a way to tie her wrists together softly so she doesn’t feel like she has to please you simultaneously. Small things like that y’all… they work wonders.

Listen to her.

As a matter of fact if you are okay with taking a little verbal instructions, say so… softly… but NEVER EVER EVER FALL ASLEEP. Oh holy, Lord. Seriously, you wanna set back Orgasm-O’Clock? Fall Asleep. Yeah, go ahead, make her feel BORING. “Hi, your vagina is boring to me, I am going to fall asleep with my face, finger, whatever inside of you.” No. NEVER. We don’t care if you just pulled a 72 hour shift as a NICU nurse, DON’T Care… Don’t fall asleep on us. Take No Doz, load up on caffeine … just stay awake if you want to give your lady an O-face she’ll never forget.

And y’all? Don’t be afraid of toys. Seriously. There is nothing insufficient with you or your technique (maybe) we are just used to a little bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz to go along with our self appointed “Me Time.” Climb aboard, don’t mention that anything is weird****, and just enjoy the ride.

****So help you God, if you use a toy and your hand to make any sort of S.O.S. noise, the backbeat to your favorite jam or the melody to your favorite team’s fight song. We are not human kazoos.

Start slow when you go in for any kind of penetration. Some women like it shallow; some women like it deep, some women only want you to lightly lick their left earlobe. Whatever it is, do it.

And if she isn’t into that at all, then don’t do it… take it all up top and tap lightly or massage small circles on her clitoris. If you can’t find it and if you don’t know where it is, ask. We’ll show you. Most women like a combo of penetration with clitoral stimulation, but please keep in mind, you are not a jack hammer and our vaginas are not pot holes in a city street. Unless she specifically requests a fisting, then, by all means.

Take your time, listen and watch for body language and verbal cues.

Biggest tip I can give you, kind reader, if you find the G-Spot (again, if you don’t know where it is, ask… or for Pete’s sake, Google is your friend (Ps: Porn is not)) and she gets wetter and you hear the verbal cues we discussed earlier, this is NOT the time… I repeat, this is NOT the time to pull a “variety is the spice of life” move.

Consistency is key when you get all the stars aligned… then keep doing whatever it is you are doing, for as long as it takes… I promise, it’s worth it.

About December 2011

This page contains all entries posted to Suzanna Danna in December 2011. They are listed from oldest to newest.

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