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July 5, 2012

You Don't Say.

For the past three weeks I have been living a completely nomadic existence and I have come to the realization that the life of an OTR trucker is not for me. I have had some lovely times, some crazy-busy times and some hair-pullingly-OMG-are-you-KIDDING-me-with-this-right-now? times. But I know that if I were not in the head space I am in, that I would have been completely butt puckered and anxiety riddled with a case of the hives for a month.

So, thank you to age or whatever it is that is making me chill the fuck out.

Yeah, it could be the meds… whatever.

It could also be the fact that I am getting laid consistently, often and with great skill. I am having orgasms with great regularity*. And if that won’t fix all that ails you, I am not really sure what will.

Yeah, I know. I’m a privileged white girl with a job and all her limbs. So? Hey, guess who just came back from a week on the beach and didn’t have to worry about money? Yeah, me. What of it?

I’m just saying that orgasms (or age, whatever) can really alter your relaxed meter. Yanno?

Ok… ok, it can alter MY relaxed meter.

Let’s talk about this boy. Shall we? Yeah, I’ve discussed him a little here and there with y’all. But, for the small little tidbits about CuteBoy/Nugget I really have kind of let it fall through the cracks that we are coming up on two years of this kinky fuckery. AND things have greatly changed since I passed him a note in homeroom** with this message, “Wanna fuck? Check yes or no.”***

It’s gone from a casual free for all every Saturday at 6 o’clock in the PM like clockwork to several times a week, every week, even if I am out of town, and he’s kept my cat (for three weeks; that’s fucking sweet, I don’t care who you are) and told me he freaking loved me on my birthday. So there’s that then.

When I was married to Mr.X I kind of squashed my need to be petted, held, told I was pretty or anything that makes my heart happy. He was the kind of smart that negated anything that wasn’t in his direct focus (me included). I had to #1) not take it personally, #2) still meet his “love languages” needs and #3) … fuck #3… I got out. And I still try, when I think about it, to not be negative about the years I wasted on being that woman. Yes, I did learn a lesson. Yes, it was a two way street. Yes, I should have left at least a year or more before I did. And Yes, even if I had to do it all again, I probably would have stayed as long as I did.

I think I had to learn something about me.

I guess.

I don’t have a crystal ball. Do you? Will you share?

I’m not (that) angry or bitter about Mr. X anymore. I also am not as trusting as I once was either.

I think I may have come into my own though. Fingers crossed! It’s weird. Who thought that I would get my brains about me when I was forty? I had no clue. Don’t get me wrong, I am still emotionally stunted like some feral animal. But I don’t panic if I feel snuggly and want to say sweet things to a person. I had to realize that being sweet and snuggly or whatever (don’t judge me) does not mean that I am giving my power over to someone else. Or that I am going to fall into that whole co-dependent spiral that my marriage seemed to crumble into.

I still don’t trust anyone (well, this isn’t completely true) as far as I can throw them. But I’m not using sex (anymore) as a way to keep someone at arm’s length and still get what my body wants. Does this make ANY sense?

Nugget has been extremely good about not pushing me. For anything really (emotionally). He’s kind of let me set the pace of our relationship. In the beginning I was only comfortable with, “Sex. Now. C’mere.” And over time it has evolved into snuggling and sweet words and shit. He’s always had that sweet words and cuddling on deck for when I was ready, but just recently I opened up to it. And because I have moved slowly in regard to involving emotions I have become very trusting physically.

Relaxed head + relaxed body = fabulous orgasms.

Satisfied pussy comments are welcome.

He may think that I keep a stiff arm between my heart and anyone, but … eh, I’m comin around.

A lot of it has to do with the amount of time and pleasure he takes in making sure I am completely satisfied. Many dudes will SAY this shit, “Oh, I LOVE pleasuring a woman! I don’t stop until I know she’s cum at least eleven times.****” but most don’t mean it. Funny enough, Nugget never said a word, he just keeps on making sure I am satiated and happy as fuck.

Now I am relaxed and letting myself enjoy things.

Go figure.

Y’all know that when he said those three little words on my birthday that I was praying Jesus wouldn’t let me fear-poop in response, right***? I was scared to death. I knew it was coming. And don’t give me a look like, “You stuck up bitch, HOW could you know!?” Well, I just did. I knew because for months he kept hugging me up tight, tipping my face up to his and then shaking his head slowly and saying, “What am I gonna do with you?” then kissing me. You know. Oh, YOU KNOW.

Also, I’m pretty awesome.

So, let me break it down.

I have known him since we were twelve. He is 6’2” or a skooch taller. Brown hair (full head of gorgeous, thick hair), hazel eyes. HANDSOME as a motherfucker. Kinda looks like a super hero. Great lips, purty mouth. Musical. Great hands (OMFG, swoon…. GREAT HANDS!), no kids, never been married. And even though I have tried to run him off with my foolish behavior at least three times over the past (almost) two years, he has (spooked horse metaphor in 3, 2, 1) fed me hay, gently caught my lead rope and brushed me until I calmed the fuck down.

Oh no.

Either he is the sweetest man in the world, is a glutton for punishment, or just really really likes a challenge.

Whatever it is, I don’t think I’ll try to run him off anymore. These orgasms are good for my wellbeing. Who knew?

*For the first time ever.
**Or texted him, whatever.
*** Because I am SMOOTH, motherfucker, that’s why.
****Talk about pressure. Lord. And yes, I have a story about this.

July 27, 2012


I love nothing more than watching drag queen make up tutorials on YouTube. You too? Since I am not dragtacular and my voice sounds like Kathleen Turner with a lisp I decided to forgo the video route. But I have been meaning to do this particular type of update for a while. Ever since I decided I didn’t care if my face was associated with my site and since I stopped uploading dickish pictures of me with a text box oval in front of my face; so, for a good long while. Then I decided… I would wait until my face wasn’t so puffy from sleepless nights, allergies… FAT (pick one). I would wait until I had the proper time to do this in real light… day light at home. Not in the office with the fluorescent that is currently above me, or the bright ass “desk light” that sears my eyeballs (but is lovely for mascara application) to my left. I wanted to take pictures with my camera, on a tripod, where each photo was basically the same, same height, same distance away, etcetera.

Guess what fuckers?

Yeah, I didn’t do any of that well meaning shit. I slapped on my makeup in the office under fluorescent light at the office in like 67 seconds, managing to take (poor quality) iPhone pictures at each step. Bonus jackassery? I happened to move the damn iPhone closer to my freaking face with each blessed photo. From the beginning to the end I go from normal head to OMG! WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE A BLOATED HORSE!?

But make up makes the world go round. So. Without further ado, I give you…
How I go from this:

To this:

Long story very short? I am a fucking MAGICIAN.

There is another explanation.

I have a problem. I love make up. SO HARD. It is pretty and fun and can change your look on a whim. You can look clean and fresh or smoky and sultry. It all depends on your features (which I do hope you have) and your use of color and intensity of pigment.

My problem is that I like tiny purses, but I carry a Mack Truck of a tote because sometimes I carry all of this shit with me. Just because.

Or I guess you could say my problem is that I have all of this stuff and only one face. Whatever, it is a bunch and I am completely aware that I am a crazy person.

My main tools are foundation stuffs. I think the young me would be screaming at my blasé’ attitude toward foundation now as she used to use a liquid foundation and then powder and press, and press, and press because OMG, I can’t be shiny! HOLY SHIT… I’ll pull out my eyelashes and eyebrows! Ok, so I may have had some other problems, but I am still happy that I have stopped spackling my face and instead I just sweep this powder (or any like it) over my face to tone down the redness and halt the reflective quality of my skin.

Before Powder


With Powder on

Then I use a bronzer. It doesn’t matter which one. I like this one as it isn’t too orange, it doesn’t have a lot of glittery shit to make you look like you took a header into a stripper’s cleav, and it can be buildable.


I use a fluffy brush to dust this under my cheekbones, around my hairline from ear to ear and under my jawline. I also touch my nose and chin with the brush. And yes, I am aware I am using powder to take away redness just to put it back on. But this “redness” is more bronzy and it is where I want it, not in huge red circles on my cheeks.

With bronzer on

For eye shadow I don’t go too crazy with the colors like I used to. This is not about some crazy matching every color that I wear on a daily basis. More along the line of, could this happen in nature? Possibly. Good, go with that.

I use a small circle fluff brush and put a little bit of a highlighting shadow (lighter than your skin color and/or powder) under my eyebrow bone and in the inner corner area of my eyes. This opens up my face and is one of the many tools I use to make my eyes look bigger than they are. After the highlighter I use a crease brush to put a little color in the crease of my eye lids. I use this to hide the puffy ass shit that has become my eye lid bags… also, WTF is that? When did my eyelids get fat? The crease color I use can be a brown or a taupe even a plum. Natural or cool… whatever you want to use. I would just suggest that if you are over twentyfive years of age that you put the freaking shimmery glitter shit down right now and walk away, FAST. This request does not apply to TranceJen as she can wear anything she damn well pleases.

With eye shadow

I have to admit that I am so in love with my eyebrow liner I want to make out with it, but that makes it uncomfortable and I get brown liner in my teeth, it is not a win win for everyone so I just stick with putting this fabulous stuff in my non-eyebrow having areas. Also, I got my eyelashes and eyebrows tinted a few weeks ago. This makes me inordinately happy and I need to keep it up because my eye hairs are blonde. So I follow the natural path of my eyebrows, using feather like motions and then I use a clean mascara want that I stole from Ulta to brush that shit into a natural looking situation.


We have established the fact that I am lazy, yes? This next thing, well two things are a testament to that fact.

I love eyeliner. But pretty sparingly most of the time. I have found this trick and I use it every day almost. Yes, it causes me to wear more eyeliner than normal, but whatever… it works. I use a matte eyeliner to line the lash line from upper outer corner to almost the inner corner of my eye. I make the outside the thickest portion of the line and gradually make it thinner the closer I get to the inner corner. While I am up there I take a lighter more translucent color (a little shimmer won’t kill you here) and go over the top part of the line, this creates a “smokey” effect without all that infernal blending. Gah. This will save your eye skin in the long run.

I am all about saving my shit for the long run. Also, look at that top picture of me bare faced. Do I look forty? Say NO, bitches. No I don’t. That is because I wash my face, I remove the make up before bed and I moisturize myself. Please do this. I beg of you.

(steps off soap box)

I also cheat with the liner on my lower lash line. To make your eyes look bigger than they are naturally (this works really well for those of you without dark DARK eyelashes), go a skooch BELOW your natural lash line and walk your liner across to just beyond your iris on the way to your inner eye corner. Do this lightly, it is supposed to enhance, not scream.

Cheat to make eyes appear bigger


With Eyeliner

Before I put on mascara, I use an eyelash curler. I know it is an arcane practice with a tool that looks positively medieval but I have to say that I am still using the same eyelash curler that I used since the 1980’s and it is probably the longest relationship I have ever had. That being said, it is understandable if I lost the eyelash curler, I would go into deep mourning. But it has yet to leave my tender clutches. I use it almost every day. If you don’t know how to use one of these, don’t even try. You may blink or get startled and pull all of your lashes out and that is not a good look for anyone.

Regarding mascara, I have tried everything from gels, tubes, different brushes, thickeners, primers and lash extensions for my eyelashes and I am under the impression that everyone has their favorite mascara that works for them. Some of us still have our favorites and stray when we hear of the elusive mascara that won’t clump, builds easily, doesn’t wear off or flake into your eyes, wears like a waterproof but comes off with soap and water and magically makes your eyelashes eleventeen times thicker, longer and stronger. We are often disappointed ladies, are we not?

I personally prefer L’Oreal Voluminous mascara, waterproof or regular, I don’t care. But sometimes the brush in the Buxom mascara just calls to me. I do like this mascara a bunch, the brush is fabulous and perfect for those itty bitty eye corner eyelashes.

Whoops, I got too much.


Ok. So I have big chicken eating lips and yes they are luscious and lovely and I know you want to suck on the lower one. Mmmmhmmm. I don’t have to do much by the way of lip color. I DO however, have to constantly care for the sonsofbitches. Think about it. If you have big ol lips, you must keep that shit moist or suffer big ass chapped lips. NOBODY WANTS THAT. So I use many products. Please, never use Carmex. It is evil.

If you have Carmex upon your person, throw it away, NOW.

For my leeeps, I normally just throw on some gloss, a stick, some tinted moisturizer, (mmmm, Fresh’s sugar tint… NOM NOM NOM) or lipstick. It just depends. If I am feeling saucy I will do a red lip. I haven’t mastered the matte lip yet as I think it looks weird on my face. Or, I am just doing it wrong. I prefer lip liner colors as close to my natural color as possible, or an all pleasing spice color. That really kind of hits a wide angle because it is attractive on most everyone. Spice and a neutral, those go with many lip colors and they help keep those glosses from migrating about your face like you just blew something inappropriate… like a teletubbie. (That purple one is asking for it.)

So, line your lips. And NO, you don’t have to dig into your lips. Just get a better liner that glides on with little to no pressure. Then smoosh your leeeeps together and then add some gloss. I love this color from Urban Decay (Jilted) because it has just enough of a blue base to make my teeth look white as fuck.

Lip pencil and gloss

I know that picture of all of that shit up there was kind of scary, but just to be clear, the below is what I use with the product details listed.

What I actually use

Make Up and Tools Used:
Maybelline Dream Matte Powder in Sand
Pop Beauty Double Duty Bronzer in Bronzed HoneyBeam
Bare Escentuals Flawless Application Face Brush
Mary Kay eye shadow in white sand
Smashbox traveling definer brush
NYX Nude Matte eye shadow in Haywire
Jane Iredale crease brush
Laura Geller brow marker in dark brown
Mascara wand
Urban Decay glide on eye pencil in Demolition
Urban Decay glide on eye pencil in Underground
Revlon Eyelash curler
Buxom Lash mascara in blackest black
NARS lip liner in Marnie
Urban Decay Lip Junkie lip gloss in Jilted

If you have a request on a product or something else you would like to see, let me know in the comments. Thanks!

About July 2012

This page contains all entries posted to Suzanna Danna in July 2012. They are listed from oldest to newest.

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