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October 9, 2012

No, I Was *Not* Raised By Wolves.

It appears that I am feral. I have been living alone for several years and it is taking its toll. I don’t even have a kitchen table. I preferred to use that space for a mini library/reading nookishness as it seemed like a better idea (than a dining room) when planning out the cave… er, I mean abode. I am currently at work and yes, I am wearing knickers (thankyouverymuch) but I am also eating ravioli straight out of the non-heated can with a plastic spoon. And I may or may not growl at you if you try to take something out of my mouth.

Yes, that last part could totally be a double entendre.

In theme with the above feral attitude, I basically live to work, but I work to make dollars so that I may travel, sleep in a nice place and eat tasty food.

I know you’re jealous of my ravioli.

I’ve also become this rutting thing purely physical person. I am extremely concerned with the next time Nugget will have his hands on me, when I will have my mouth/hands on him and when I will have my next orgasm. It seems that he is just as into it as I am so basically anytime we are behind closed doors, almost any phrase can mean, “Get naked please, I would like to lick, smell, suckle touch you.”

Such phrases and things include:
“Wanna make out?”
(an ass shimmy and walk towards the bedroom)
Touch a piece of clothing and say, “Off.”
“I need to feel connected.”
“I want you.”
“Do you want me?”
“Hi lover…”
(hug and a neck, ear, hair sniff and small groan)
“Hey, Boo Boo Kitty Fuck…”

Haaaaaaaa, looking for a gif for the “Boo Boo Kitty Fuck” thing, I ran across this one. Hee.

Boo… you Whore.

The list is possibly endless. We could turn toast into something sexual. Not kidding.

Because we’re freaking mysterious about that shit.

Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge.

I keep wanting to post about several things. But because I’m fucking proper and my mama always told me to keep my goddamn mouth shut if I couldn’t think of something nice to say, so… there’s that then. I will try to come up with something that is not about me having sex… maybe… and not rude.

Wait, maybe I’ll just promise to write a short story or something. Go blue on that Toby and Shelby story, whatever.

Let’s do this. I have been knee deep in a bunch of LUSH products for the past few months and I am having serious lady boner for so many of these products it is insane.

I have also changed up my make up application.

Throw some questions in the comments y’all.

Let’s talk about all kinds of products, hair stuff and make up.

I also want to know if any of you sew. There are these fabulous boat necked shrugs on Etsy and I want one (or more) to fit me… I am not a size XL. BIGGER y’all. And they come from overseas… I would like to give money to someone I know. So if you sew, hit me up.

October 18, 2012

Pick a Size

I am going to write something in here that requires you guys keep me honest. I am going to state that I will NOT over pack for my trip this weekend.

Dammit, I forgot my Kindle.

I will take everything I need in one duffle thingy. No ifs, ands and butts about it. I am going to NOLA with Marls and there is no need for six pairs of jeans, eleven sweaters and a pair of heels ect.

I will need something to wear for each of the three days. I will need to be comfy as we will be walking and or dancing… in all probability, drinking. Capris, flip flops, two maxi dresses and a t-shirt or two should do it.

I’ll take stuff that revolves around black and be done with it. Right? RIGHT.

Speaking of maxi dresses, I am completely in love with these dresses I have been wearing. Nugget was over the other day, we were jacking around and we decided to go to dinner. He went to wash his hands and I threw a dress over my head and in one step… well three if you include shoes, I was ready. He came out of the restroom and was surprised, “You’re already ready?” “Yep!” I beamed.

So, thumbs up for dresses. I have worn them every day this week. And I am totally taking them with me to NOLA. Easy to pack, wrinkles free (with certain fabrics) and can be casual or dressy. I like to pair mine with shrugs. Denim for casual and a little, ¾ sleeve, black one* for every day wear.

*You can take the black one from me when you pry it from my cold, dead hands. I call it my magic shrug. It’s about 10 years old and if you have ever met me, you have probably seen it. Or worn it, with my blessing.

Really, it’s very flattering.

I worked in retail for so long (apparel and lingerie) that I have an eye to dress people. Myself? Sadly, no. But other people, yes. So these dresses are a nice way to keep shit simple, yo.

Foundation garments have never been a huge issue for me. I have always worn underwire bras, and if you think this is a post to tell you that I have seen the error of my underwire wearing ways, you are smoking crack, son. I love underwire. Even when I was a 32 AA and I didn’t have shit to “support” I wore underwire. But recently with my weight doing weird shit I had the inkling that I needed to invest in some bras.

You will be flabbergasted to know that for the past year or more I have made do with some second hand bras that were in my size… that came from Marly’s mom. Yeah, just let that marinate for a while. I am thankful and everything, but damn girl, I need to drop some dollars on my boobs. I NEED THAT SHIT.

I mean, when I am on site for work; I’m embarrassed to admit; if I don’t have a pocket, I will sometimes put my phone in my bra. Yeah, it fits. There’s room in the bra cups.

See? Apparently I am doing the bra thing completely wrong. It’s for boobs, not a chest high fanny pack. And if there is that much room in the cups? The bra does not fit. End of story.

So I took my own advice and went to SOMA a few weekends ago.

The way shopping normally works with me is this: I am in a store… accidentally (this is always the case), and I notice they have an amazing deal on shoes/a gift with purchase/free samples/a women’s department/ a clearance rack or any combination thereof.

There are three stores where this does not apply: LUSH, Brighton and any type of Sephora kind of store. Like Ulta. I go to those three kinds of stores on purpose. Anything clothing related? Normally I am there with someone else who is shopping. Or walking through on my way to a LUSH or Sephora.

Combine the stores? I would essssplode with rainbows.

Clever how that works, no?

And I spot something or my Spidey senses tingle and I turn a corner and there it is. The Fresh Soy Milk Cleanser, Light Moisturizer and Tinted Lip Sugar combination pack on sale for five dollars. The perfect pair of pony hair, leopard print, pointed toe (with a generous toe box) pumps… on sale and IN MY SIZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! A chemise that is the perfect dusky color of plum that has adjustable straps, soft lace accents and is also on sale and IN MY SIZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

But more often than not, I find something that may work in my wardrobe and is not crazy expensive and then I start trying stuff on in the dressing room. I go from being completely in control to a scattered fat girl covered in a thin sheen of flop sweat and frustration trying to be quiet as I fight with a pair of jeans that are too long in the crotch but too short in the legs.

The other day was like any other “shopping trip”. It totally did not start out as a trip to SOMA. It was a brunch date with the girls for Kerry’s birthday. After lunch I was walking back to my car and remembered there was a SOMA up ahead. I need some titty attention.

Sorry. I normally can’t stand alliteration, but it sounded more fun than, “I needed some support and help for my breasts in the way of foundation garments. Foundation garments that FIT.”

So I sauntered into SOMA and because I had great success with their lingerie in the past I felt relatively sure that this would be painless.

Most women will blanch at the thought of several shopping situations. The first is obvious.

Shopping for Jeans.

Shopping for special occasion dresses.

Annnnnnnnnnnnd, swim suit shopping.

funny gifs

But bra shopping can be even more horrific. Especially if you are modest. Thank goodness I lost all of my modesty and my dignity in my last mammogram. I had no problem telling that teeny little young girl, “Look, apparently I am doing this wrong.” “We may need to get you fitted, do you mind?” “Do I mind? Honey, no, but do you mind spending your Sunday hefting an old lady’s boobs?” “You’re not old, ma’am, and it’s my job.” (Sweet Smile)

I thanked the poor dear and she measured me then I cheated and showed her my phone holder… er, I mean the space in the cups where there should be no space. “Ah, yes (vigorous head nodding) we DO need to get you something that fits properly!” And a change was made to the measurements.

She went out into the store and gathered all the bras in my size. I started trying them on and by the eighth bra I found one that fit me. It fit around my ribs and it fit my boobs with no gaping or room for phones. My girls were lifted and separated and when I turned to look in the mirror, not an ounce of back fat to be found. Back smoothers. I would like to put in a nomination for the NOBEL PRIZE because those motherfuckers brought me some peace!

I purchased four in various colors, knowing full well that dropping an ass ton of money on bras is a continual process. After all, we have to wear them every day.

While I was trying on bras the sweet little sales girls brought me some other things to try on. One was a maxi dress, white, size large. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA… um…

I am not amused.

However, I did find another little maxi dress with pockets… in my size, in a fabulous pattern. And I am wearing it right now.

I hope maxi dresses/long sundresses/dresses in general don’t go out of style soon. I know I hopped onto this bandwagon a little too late, but these things are more comfortable than sweats!

One last little thing. I stumbled across this site the other day thanks to someone I am stalking through face book and …. (deep breath, quivering bottom lip, gleam in eye)… Oh. My. Hell. I accosted my pocket gay this morning (donkey punch) with the following info. “Holy shit man! Why in the hell didn’t you tell me about ruggedlyhandsome.tumblr.com??!?!??” He sweetly shut me down with, “Because I didn’t know about it.” The “heifer” was totally implied. So I was like, “Hie thee on!... NSFW … but seriously… GO!” A few moments passed then, “Um… I’ll … be in my bunk.” I was like, “I KNOW RIGHT!... hot ass gay dudes with beards and shit!”

I’m not gonna link to it, because I’m already inappropriate enough. But, do yourself a favor. If you are into that kind of thing (and please, bitch, who isn’t!?!?!) plug that shit into your browser on your phone. YOU ARE WELCOME.

About October 2012

This page contains all entries posted to Suzanna Danna in October 2012. They are listed from oldest to newest.

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