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Stupid Girl

Last time we spoke, I was full of fury and vengeance thinking that it would only be a matter of time until we could really start planning our future. I wanted Nugget to pick me. I wanted us to begin a life where he was my priority and I was his. Where we had a budget and I got to sleep next to his soft skin every night. If not by the first of the year, then definitely planning on something in the near future.

My mother and father, bless their hearts, tried talking me out of it. Even as late as Christmas Eve afternoon. “Susan, why would you force this issue?” My father asked me. He continued, “You know I would basically tell someone to get bent if this kind of pressure was put on me*. But then again, I am not the kind of man you give an ultimatum.” The ‘you and I are cut from the same cloth’ was left unsaid as he raised an eyebrow at me. My mother, never one to mince words remarked, “Susan, I think you are speaking out of both sides of your mouth. You want him to commit to some 24/7 kind of relationship, yet you want to go and do exactly as you please.”

*I am paraphrasing this sentence. He is not the kind of man to say “Get Bent”.

Oh, dear readers, Nugget made his decision. He did it. He really did it.

It was inevitable.

He chose not to move forward, he wasn’t ready. And because I was “respecting his decision” I broke up with him. I helped him pack up his things and I walked him out to his car. I closed the door behind him and slumped to the floor.

It barely took twenty minutes to crush the love and laughter of four and a half years.

I did it. I let him go. I was so sure of my righteousness. So sure that it was the absolute correct thing to do.

I was wrong. Oh Lord, so very wrong. I am a stupid, stupid girl.

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I tried to make the best of the situation. I’ve been going to Houston almost every weekend to spend time with Marly. I signed up for all of the dating sites. Yes, All of them. I signed up for Match.com, E-Harmony even FarmersOnly. I paid money that I am barely able to afford on the promise that I had to find my mate. I made profiles and answered a bajillion questions. I uploaded pictures and sent smiles and winks. I worked it.

I worked it for about a month. Maybe less. I am not cut out for all of those sites, the energy it takes to answer emails and sent texts and smiles. But I was convinced that this was what I was supposed to do. Most of the men that I was matched or paired with were very nice. I do have a story on this, but more on it later. This is more about my realization that I am not meant for that kind of gauntlet. I am a one man kind of lady, I have all of the energy in the land to spend on one guy, but all of those sites… it was like trying to date seven guys at once. Not very practical.

I made my profiles inactive very early in.

I had to admit to myself that I was wrong in letting Nugget go. I was wrong for trying to force him to make a decision where I thought I would come out the victor. I was wrong to think I could just move on like that *snap*. Everything in my head still, to this day whispers his name. My phone… something that is normally no further than 10 feet from my person at any time, was a gift from him. My bracelets that I wear every day… I had to take off one of the Pandora bracelets, as it was filled with memories of him and our time together. My apartment… my television, my headboard, my bicycle, my patio furniture, some sandals, my apple TV, some of my art, MY CAT… everywhere I looked there was a reminder of Nugget. Pictures on FaceBook. The favorites list in my car stereo, my garage remote, my cat’s favorite toy that he drags around like a toddler… that is from Nugget too.

I had better luck getting over my ex-husband than I was having moving on from Nugget.

He was my friend. We spent so much time together and grew up together … we were together before I was 40, we got together when we were both 38. And now, we are turning 43 in May. Everything from memories to present moments fairly chants “Nug-get, Nug-get.” When I would have an amazing day at work, I would call a girlfriend or my parents or my sister…. But I still really want to call Nugget.

I held out for a month. And then I called him and left him a voicemail. It wasn’t anything big, more along the lines of, “Hey, I just wanted to hear your voice, I haven't heard from you in over a month, just wanted to say hello. Have a good day. Bye.” He responded, in like a day, with an email. I wrote, and he replied. I sent him a text asking if I could add him back on FB, he replied, “Certainly.” We corresponded, via email, via text and then a few weeks ago, I asked him if I could see him. We then got together for dinner. We went to one of our favorite places, and unbeknownst to them, they put us in our favorite booth. Since then, we have seen each other twice more. And we text daily.

I want him back and I am prepared to be patient (not my strongest virtue) with him on the timing. Our weirdness compliments each other. His limitations with time match up to my independence and need for downtime on the patio. My mother was and is right, I do not want someone underfoot all of the time.

I know I broke his heart and he is kind of skittish about the whole thing. I broke this, I will try and fix it.

Wish me luck.

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This page contains a single entry from the blog posted on March 31, 2015 1:12 PM.

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